Latest Jokes:

20 Rules of Life Updated

1. I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
   
   
2. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
   
   
3. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
   
   
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
   
   
5. I love deadlines.
   I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
   
   
6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
   
   
7. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
   
   
8. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
   My reality check bounced.
   
   
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
   
   
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
    
    
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
    
    
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
    
    
13. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
    
    
14. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
    
    
15. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
    
    
16. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
    
    
17. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
    
    
18. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
    
    
19. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
    
    
20. We will continue to have meetings until we figure out why nothing is being accomplished.
    

Even more one-liners

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


My Girlfriend had a Near-Death experience today......Stupid woman thought she could Hoover whilst football was on the tele


Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake ............ some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

After a visit to a massage parlour

...a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his doctor.

"I'm afraid this is serious", the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear"?

"Yes", the man replies shakily.

"Well" said the doctor "it looks like you've got a brothel sprout".