Picky Lady Shopping at Tesco for Fresh Fruit

A picky lady customer at Tesco's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered. "Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please", the picky lady says to the saleslady.

Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

"And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too".

Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

"And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

"Grapes", says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale"!

Angry Mum goes shopping

My mom and dad were arguing yet again the other day but this time mum decided to get even by going shopping...

When mom returned home she said to dad that she had just purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten", he screamed. "TEN"???!!!!

"Ten", is all she said, standing right up to him.

"What could any woman want with ten new dresses"???!!!!

My mom turned to my dad, calmly looked him right in the eye and said...

"Ten new pairs of shoes and ten handbags".

William Penn's Two Aunts

The famous American statesman, William Penn had two old aunts, named Natalie and Ellie, who were well known for baking great pies.

But, alas they got greedy and raised the prices, up and up, until...

Soon all the people in Quakertown were complaining about "the pie rates of Penn's anunts".


Yet another groaner :(

Poems by Wife and Husband

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

.....................................................................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

........................................................................

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.

................................................................

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

...........................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

.................................................................
*
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

...................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

....................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push... and life goes on........


Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!


My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.


Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Last but not least...

A wife, being the romantic sort sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied;
"I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise".

Murphy the Roofer

Murphy the Roofer was working when suddenly he started shaking and feeling dizzy.

He calls down to Paddy the Hod-Carrier and says "I think I must go home, I've just come over all giddy and feel sick".

Paddy shouts up to Murphy on the roof "Have you got vertigo"?

Murphy replies, "No I only live round the corner".

Instant Cure for Baldness

A guy who was as bald as a coot had a big hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatments, but without success.

One day he passed a barber's shop with a sign in the window that read:



And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair.

So the bald guy went into the shop and asked the barber: "Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours"?

"Certainly," said the barber. "It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike".

"Okay then," said the bald guy, handing over the $500. "Let's go for it".

The barber took the guy's money and then shaved his own hair off.

Crap Joke Central - Update 2013-04-21

Where do German farmers keep their tractors?
Auto barn

---

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead lion. Amazed, he asked,'Did you kill that'?

The pigmy answered,'Yes'.

The hunter then asked,'How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that'?

Said the pigmy,'I killed it with my club'.

The astonished hunter asked,'How big is your club'?

The pigmy replied,'There's about 100 of us'.

---

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way

---

China has the worlds largest population. It is not because their men are extra horny, or be ause their women are extra sexy...

they have the largest population because their condoms are made in China.

---

Paddy O'Murphy's wife gave birth to twins and he demanded to know who the other man was...

---

South Africa Rhinos Under Threat From Poaching - try frying them instead :0)

---

Sad news today, a man has died at a chocolate factory after hundreds of boxes fell on him.
He tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted "the Milky Bars are on me", everyone just cheered :)

---

Lost Camper Finds Way

A husband took his wife camping for the first time. Considering himself an experienced outdoors man, he passed along outdoor survival tips at every chance he got. However, one day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. The husband tried the usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led them right back to the campsite.

"That was terrific", she said. "How did you do it"?

"Simple", he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south".

Reason for the Break-Up

The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can" asked the distraught fiancee?

"Not even on her best day" replied the salesman!

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do"?

"No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.

"Well then, is this all about 'relations' " cried out the devastated woman?

"No, nobody does it like you babe", assured the salesman.

"Then what is it" she screamed? "What can she do that I can't"?

The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said: "She can sue me for child support".

And then it hit him...

the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday.

A Neat Piece of Trivia.

(I bet you'll never look at the game the same way again!)

Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their escape...

Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go for food and shelter.

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush. Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.

At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort.

By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of war.

Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were located. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.

As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air crews were advised, before taking off on their first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square.

Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a public ceremony.

It's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail' Free' card! I realize some of you are (probably) too young to have any personal connection to WWII (Dec. '41 to Aug. '45), but this is still interesting.

.

Understanding Engineering Design

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering consultant to solve their empty boxes problem, as the in-house engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

"That's some money well spent!" he says to himself, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers. "One of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".


.

If you marry an Irish girl

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)

Difficult choices

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma"?

He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

Texas vs California

CALIFORNIA:

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor’s dog, then bites the governor.

The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control.

Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases and $500 to relocate it.

He calls a veterinarian.

The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases.

The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for infections from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail is shut down for 6 months while scientists from the Department of Fish & Game conduct a $100,000 project to make sure the nature area is now free of dangerous animals.

The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The state legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding coyote behavior.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million lawsuit against California.

TEXAS:

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Blonde caught speeding again

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you"!

Jailed Banknote Salesman turns Carpenter - Groaner

The banknote salesman was sent to prison for going into business for himself part-time. While behind bars, the warden made arrangements for the salesman to learn a trade. In no time, the salesman became known as one of the best carpenters in the area. He often got day passes to do woodworking jobs for people in town.

When the warden started remodeling his kitchen, he called the salesman, now carpenter, into his office and asked him to build and install new cabinets and countertops.

The salesman refused.

"Gosh, I'd really like to help you," he said, "but counterfitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

Is Ammunition Getting Real Scarce

This morning was lucky and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back to work, I stopped at the gas station where the most gorgeous blonde was filling her truck at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my dually and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo"?

I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got"?

Lost in Harrods

A little Arab kid was crying because he lost his mother in Harrods.


A sales clerk says: "What does your mother look like"?


The little Arab kid says: "I have no idea...

Old Manny and his doctor

Manny Cohen, feeling unwell, goes to see his doctor...

Doctor: "You are not getting any younger, Mr. Cohen", says the doctor.

Manny says "younger I don't want to get again, doctor, it's 'older' that I want to get"!!!

George and his new wife

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart".

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife”.

"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before"!

George retorts, ”I wasn't“!