So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift"?
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item"?
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
Courtesy of: http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/123437/