Thursday 23rd May 2019 - 09:42:25 

Irish Humour

 

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy has expired and at his wake...

The priest said "And no one will say his eulogy".

The priest becomes almost apoplectic. "Will no one say this man's eulogy? Will noone at least put forth the 'few appropriate words'"?

At last a neighbor stand up and goes to the podium, to say "His brother was worse"!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.

"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy goes into superdrug & asks for KY jelly.
The assistant says, we haven't got any have you tried Boots?
Paddy says, I want to slide in, not march in!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Quotes for Today:

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough.
Mario Andretti 


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 


If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
 

This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 18.212.83.37 / 794,592Mb / 09:42:25 / 200 / No Errors