Saturday 24th August 2019 - 03:34:18 

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What Is A Fox Pass?




In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain.

With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire.

He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass"?

"Sir", replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband "Is your prick still throbbing dear"? and you said "Christ"! and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas".






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Very Interesting Stuff?



In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.



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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.




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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.



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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.




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Coca-Cola was originally green.




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It is impossible to lick your elbow.



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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska



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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)


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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%



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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400


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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000



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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.



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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.



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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.


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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:



Spades - King David



Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander, the Great


Diamonds - Julius Caesar


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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321



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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.



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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.



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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?



A. Their birthplace



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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?




A. Obsession




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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?




A. One thousand




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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?



A. All were invented by women.


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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?



A. Father's Day


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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.


When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'



It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'



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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!


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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )




12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.






13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.



14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.



~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~


NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.



Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!






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School of Psychiatry at Harvard University


Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!



1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.








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Dating in the 60s


It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue .

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue 's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue 's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

'It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist'!





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Insulted By A Druggist


Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

I Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it...

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife...

...she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer!




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Tried It Once But Didn't Like It



A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf", says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
|
| "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"









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A Love Story..

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."


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8 Months Pregnant


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!






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London Times Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:


Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spendmore than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,are in charge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-oldboy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little on her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion,his daughter, Responsibility,his son, Reason


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.





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Little Johnny and Fascinate in a Sentence


A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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