Monday 21st October 2019 - 09:58:52 

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Fatherly Advice from the Marriage Counselor


A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem"?

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues"!

"How does he drive you crazy"?

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else"?

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public"!

"Hmm, anything else"?

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control"!

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now".

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you".

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem"?

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else".

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said".

"What did he say"?

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes"!

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry".

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay".

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public".

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean".

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity".

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking".

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing".

"What did he say"?

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up"!'



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Fatherly Advice from the Priest


A man went to see his priest and stated in a very serious tone, "Father, something horrible is happening and I must talk to you about it".

"What is wrong, my son" asked the priest?

"My wife is poisoning me" stated the man.

The priest, very shocked by this, asked, ""How can that be"?

"I'm tell you, Father, I'm positive she's poisoning me. What should I do" the man pleaded?

"Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know" said the priest.

A few days later, the priest called the man and said, "Well, I have spoken with your wife. We spoke on the phone for almost four hours. Do you want my advice"?

The man anxiously replied, "Yes".

"Take the poison" said the priest!



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The Angry Husband


A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex"?

"Well, yes, I did once".

"Well, how did he look"?

"Very angry".

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time"?

"Well he was looking through the window at us".



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The Drunk Staggered Up to Hotel Reception and Demanded Another Room


A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel".

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don`t like 502" asked the clerk?

"Well, for one thing" said the drunk, "it`s on fire".




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The Nervous Newly Ordained Priest Learning About Confessions


A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.

?I?ve got a few suggestions?, he says. ?Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand?.

The new priest tries this.

?Very good?, says his senior. ?Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on'?.

The younger priest practises these sayings, too.

?Well done,? says the older priest. ?Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: ?No way! What happened next??






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The New Store in Town . . .


Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here"?

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes".

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left".

Seniors - don't mess with them!




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Did You Know the Devil Actually Wears a Wig - Another Groaner!


Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit.

Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it", he shouts, "had better return it immediately"! And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee"!



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The Dyslexic Cop


A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. "How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report" screams the captain!

The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his two way radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly.

"One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H".

"That's good", thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.

"One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H".

"I am doing great" says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head!

"One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L ... B-L-U ... B-O-L-L ... B-I-L ..."

Finally, the frustrated cop looks around, then kicks the head with his boot, and writes, "One head in the D-I-T-C-H".

Courtesy of: http://www.funnybone.com/dr/081209.shtml


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The New Oxford Dictionary's Latest Update on Definition of the Following Words


Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Classic : Books which people praise but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.







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Two Free Tickets To The Show


A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them".

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know"!


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