Previously On Johns-Jokes
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A Horny Old Geezer
The horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs"!
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10, Lobster"?
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An Old Man Had a Surprise
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"Check this out"! he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."
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Old Fred's Hospital Bed
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all".
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube"!
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Creative Answering Machine Messages
Ø Hi. Now you say something.
Ø Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Ø You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
Ø (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
Ø You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Ø Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Ø Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Ø Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Ø Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Ø Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Ø Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Ø Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Ø (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
Ø This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Ø (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Ø Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Ø Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Ø Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Ø Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Ø I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Ø I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Ø Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Ø Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Ø Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Ø This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
Ø You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Ø Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Ø (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
Ø Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Ø Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Ø We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Ø You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
Ø As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ø I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
Ø I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Ø I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
Ø I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
Ø (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
Ø If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Ø I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
Ø (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
Ø Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
Ø (Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
Ø Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Ø I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
Ø Bridge, Kirk here.
Ø Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?
Ø (Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1 Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2 These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3 To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
Ø Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
Ø (Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!
Ø Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Ø A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
Ø You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
Ø Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
Ø Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Ø I'm gone.
Ø (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
Ø This is David. Talk to me.
Ø You have reached 555-6238. Why?
Ø This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
Ø You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
Ø You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
Ø This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)
Ø (Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
Ø So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Ø This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
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Roping A Deer------- (names Have Been Removed to Protect the Stupid!)
Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
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Political CorrectnessDue to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES'.
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN'.
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE'.
(Loved this one!)
3.. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'.
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION'.
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE'.
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER'.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY'.
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN' (or 'cha-cha challenged'.)
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS'.
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION'.
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'.
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'.
Courtesy of: http://www.prostatepointers.org
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The Beggar and his Regular Customer
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him baht.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to b 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes baht 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.
"First you give me baht 10 every day, then baht. 7,50 and now only baht. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
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The Little Girl Feeling Sick in the Church
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, M
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British One LinersI saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift"?
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item"?
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
Courtesy of: http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/123437/
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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Stella arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Wally had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her golfing friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Wally even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward' asked her friends?
'Oh, that ..., Wally was too tired..'
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