Friday 6th December 2019 - 10:20:47 

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A Lesson to Be Learnt from an Ant


I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do...

Quit drinking before noon.





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Snow Joke


I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and f*cking freezing. I barely slept a wink.

In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way. Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house.

When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window.

She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times.

I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...

HANNAH, WILL YOU MA...

I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...

... KE ME A CUP OF COFFEE AND A SANDWICH?


That was 4 days ago, and the bitch still isn't speaking to me!!!



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Golf with a Lady and Four Lawyers


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"?

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45".

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed"?

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth".

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"?

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late".


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Jack and Tom Are Having a Quiet Beer in a Saloon Bar when


Jack and Tom are having a quiet beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks".

Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine.

The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy.

Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this".

Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy".

Jack says, "I really think you should have a look".

Tom says, "Asshole, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand".

Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look".

Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, "Fuck! We're gonna be millionaires"!


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A Little Girl Asks Where Does Poo Come From?



A little girl walks into the room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from" she asks?

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast"?

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo".

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with a watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks, "And Tigger"?


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Little Johnny and Susie Were Planning to Get Wed


Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage".

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live"?

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely".

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie".

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine".

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own"?
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."


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Rye Bread


Two old guys from Florida, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies'.

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread'?

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves'.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'.

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me'.


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There's a Few Guys Who Always Get Together


on Fridays after work for a drink...

One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"...

At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together".


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Little Johnny in Class Learning About the Alphabet


One day in class the teacher was teaching the kids about the alphabet and asked the class about the letter "R" knowing little Johnnys habbit of turning everything into something dirty..

Surely there's no way he can turn this into something dirty, she thought.. There are no dirty words that begin with the letter R..

So she asks the class to come up with words that begin with R..

Little Suzie raises her hand and says.."Range starts with R." and the teacher says.. "Very good Suzie..

And then little Billy raises his hand and says.. "Rodeo starts with the letter R.."

"Very good Billy.." The teacher says..

All the while little Johnny has been sitting in the back of the class room practically jumping out of his seat and flailing his hand in the air..

Finally the teacher figures it's safe to call on him because of the words that begin with R..

"Ok Johnny.." Says the teacher.. "Give me a word beginning with the letter R".

Little Johnny jumps up and says.. "Rats.." "Great big huge fuckin rats about this goddamn long.."


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A Bunch of Guys Were Working


on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top accidently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.

The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".

Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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