Monday 9th December 2019 - 06:52:34 

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The Preacher Went to Play Golf Instead...


A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this"?

God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic.

Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that"?

God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell"?


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Food Shortage


A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world"?

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


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New Knob Face Lift Procedure

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

‘All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results.. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them’.

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those e aren’t bags, those are your breasts’.

She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee’.


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Adam Got Caught Speeding Yesterday.


The policeman asked him to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.

Half way down he stopped adam and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering".

Adam replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself".


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Not Too Old Yet......


An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 20 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids" the reporter asked?

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns" the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too"?

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife".

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 20 or 21 years old"!

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 105 and she being only 20," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off".

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off"?

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em"!


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Another One for the Golfers

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blond.

The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said:

"Its golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow"?


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Paddy Was Walking Through...

a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken".

"How much" asked Paddy?

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on"?

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock".


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The Police Recruit Interview Question

A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:

"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged.

The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side.

A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.

Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now.

"What would you do in this situation", the interviewer asked?

The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while... he replies, "I'd take off my uniform and act like I am part of the crowd"!


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Aviation Testing the Strength of an Airplane Windshield


Flight Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.

The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken".


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This Guy and his Newlywed Wife...


go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o" clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards".

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won’t be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn’t stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here"?

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you’d better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that’s quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that’s just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well"?

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce"?

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can EAT like a rabbit as well"!!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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