Wednesday 26th June 2019 - 15:28:45 

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Love Quotes


'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.'
Dorothy Parker.

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.'
Rosanne Barr.

"Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself."
Mae West.

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
Rita Rudner.

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up."
Barbara Bush.

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
Ann Landers.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Groucho Marx.

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney.


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Nelson at Trafalgar



Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'

Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'

Nelson (reading aloud): '''England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, age or disability" - What gobbledegook is this?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an Equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main-brace to steel the men before battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ....... full speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4-knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'

Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

Nelson: 'What?'

Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir - no harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

Nelson: 'Whatever next? Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

They're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-Ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'

Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'

Nelson: 'In that case..... kiss me, Hardy.'



Another goodie from Howard:


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On No Not Another Puerto Rican!!!


A Puerto Rican buys a Cadilac and drives it home. He then decides to go cruising at night but the car wouldn't move...

So he gets up in the morning and with a miracle the car moves. So he takes it to the dealer and tells the sales guy what the problem is.

The sales guy with wonder all over his face says: wtf a car does not know when is day time and when is night time..

The Puerto Rican assures him that this Cadillac knows, so they waite till night time then the sales guy says ok lets see what the problem is, and tells the Puerto Rican to drive.

The Puerto Rican gets in the car, starts it up and puts the car in N for night-time...



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Health Warning from the National Health Service



NEWS BREAKING HEALTH WARNING


If you should receive an email from the NHS Direct warning of catching swine flu from eating tinned pork.


Ignore it.


Its just spam


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Be Happy


Don't worry, Be Happy




Bobby McFerrin



Don't Worry, Be Happy Lyrics


Don't Worry, Be Happy
From the Movie "Cocktails"
Performed by Bobby McFerrin

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy
Look at me I am happy
Don't worry, be happy
Here I give you my phone number
When you worry call me
I make you happy
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got not girl to make you smile
But don't worry be happy
Cause when you worry
Your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
So don't worry, be happy (now).....

There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy

Nicked from: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/dontworrybehappylyrics.html



Bob Marley Lyrics


Don't Worry, Be Happy Lyrics



(whistling)
Here's a little song i wrote,
you might want to sing it note for note,
don't worry, be happy

in every life we have some trouble,
when you worry you make it double
don't worry, be happy

dont worry be happy now
dont worry be happy
dont worry be happy
dont worry be happy
dont worry be happy
aint got no place to lay your head,
somebody came and took your bed,
don't worry, be happy

the landlord say your rent is late,
he may have to litagate,
dont worry (small laugh) be happy,

look at me im happy,
don't worry, be happy

i give you my phone number,
when your worried, call me,
i make you happy

don't worry, be happy

aint got no cash, aint got no style,
aint got no gal to make you smile
but don't worry, be happy

cos when you worry, your face will frown,
and that will bring everybody down,
so don't worry, be happy

don't worry, be happy now...

don't worry, be happy
don't worry, be happy
don't worry, be happy
don't worry, be happy

now there this song i wrote
i hope you you learned it note for note
like good little children

dont worry be happy

listen to what i say
in your life expect some trouble
when you worry you make it double
dont worry be happy
be happy now

dont worry, be happy
dont worry, be happy
dont worry, be happy
dont worry, be happy
dont worry
dont worry be happy
don't worry, don't worry, don't do it,
be happy,put a smile on your face,
don't bring everybody down like this

don't worry, it will soon pass whatever it is,
don't worry, be happy,
i'm not worried




Nicked from: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/dontworrybehappylyrics.html





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Little Johnny Learning About Logical Thinking


Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"?

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings"?


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Take the Choose-a-urinal Challenge!


Men should ace this test (or suffer the wrath of men everywhere)... women are on their own. But, there IS a code of the restroom that MUST be followed.

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample)

| | | x | | | x | indicates men are at stalls 3
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | and 6.
-------------------------


You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!

Easy Section
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Stalls 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
1 (easy). 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.




2.)
| x | | | | | | (1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
2 (easy). 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.




Kind Of Tricky Section:
3.)

| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
3 (kind of tricky). 1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."




4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: ___
4 (kind of tricky). 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.




Subtle, Tricky, But Important To Know Section
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
5 (HARD!). 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? ;-D This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!




VERY Tricky Indeed Section
6.)

| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: ___
6 (DAMN HARD!). NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD...for god's sake, man! ...use a doored stall.
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:




* NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
* I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.
* NO Singing. Period.
* Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".


Who'd have thought SO much goes into a seemingly simple process?


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Why Jesus Was an Aussie



Proof that Jesus was Australian:

* He wore thongs.
* He was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on Sundays.
* His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.
* He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.
* His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.
* The only time he went to church as a young bloke he got into a fight.
* He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.
* He did a mean barbeque, 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.
* No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.
* And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!


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Is There a God?



A large scientific organization in America (where else) decided to pose the question to it's Hitech computer. "Is there a GOD"? After feeding in all relevant information available they typed it in and waited. After a lot of hard disk searching and the checking of all drives the computer went into an eerie silence for a few hours and then started typing.

It's answer was "Insufficient data".

Not to be outdone the scientists in their infinite wisdom started gathering information on God from the Worlds libraries, archives, and archaelogy institutions. So much information was assembled that it was decided that one computer could not handle it all so all large computers in the States were linked together for the operation. Again the question was posed and all the computers went into action. After three days the answer was forthcomming.

"Not enough resources to compute answer".

This time they were going to get an answer to an age old problem and nothing would stop them. After months of negotiations with governments around the world they were able to link all the computers in the world together to produce the ultimate computer. Nothing would stop them now. Just to make sure they fed in all information even remotely connected to God.

The information entered and all computers linked a scientist typed in the question "Is there a God"?
The computer whirred into action checking all it's drives and then linking with all the other computers. After months of activity going from one computer to another the computer started typing the answer and everybody waited eagerly as it typed to the screen.

"There is now".


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Pay Rise




One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, "I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me".

"Really" replied Martin's boss, "And who might these companies be"?

"Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom", answered Martin.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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