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Best Joke from a British Competition

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here”.

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same”, replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship”.

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me”.

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same”.

(This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain)

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Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved..

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

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Funny Shop Names

There's a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor named :
'The Hound of the Basket Meals'.

There is a bakery in Sutton called 'Agatha Crustie'.

In Turnham Green, Chiswick we find a dry cleaner called 'Turn 'em Clean'.[Nick Robinson]

'A Pane in the Glass' is the name of a glazier's in New York State, USA.

Others can be found at a website called shophorror owned by Guy Swillingham.

I have seen two of his examples, one in Croydon named 'The Vinyl Frontier'; a shop which sells second hand records;

Another example is a restaurant in Belfast called 'Thai Tanic'.

Teddy bear shop in Penge called 'Bearly Trading'. [Isabel Radage]

Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named 'Oh My Cod'. [David Harries]
and another in Bangkok,

Will has found a bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called 'Upper Crustie'.

Guy has savoured the hake and chips at a shop called: 'A Fish called Rhondda'. We were on our way to Caerphilly and found the chippy in Ton Pentre, South Wales.

Would you believe a driving school in the Merseyside area called 'L Passo'. [David Percy]

Fruit, vegetable and flower shop in Aylsham and Reepham, Norfolk goes by the name of 'Meloncaulie Rose'.
[Mary + John Longhurst]

Barbers shop named 'Herr Kutz'. [David Percy]

Knockin, in Shropshire has to have a 'Knockin Shop' naturally. What it sells is not given.
[Peter Smith]

There is, apparently, a mobile snack bat in Cornwall, UK which goes by the name of, 'The Star Chip Enterprise.'
[John Aikman]

There was an Indian restaurant in Radford, Nottingham, UK which went under the name of ' Balti Towers'. [Probably only appreciated by British readers]

On a butcher's van on Dartmoor - "Tor to Tor Delivery."
[Roger McCann reports]

A hire van company in Kent called "Van Gough".
[Bob Humm saw]

I am led to believe that in Dulmen, Germany, there is a flower shop named 'Blumen Ecke'.

[Sent in by Nigel McNeilly, who suspects that the humour may be lost on the owners]

Between Tenby and Pembroke can be found a specialist horticultural nursery boasting a sign reading:
"Your fuchsia is in our hands." [Tim Large]

In Havant, Hants, UK a greetings card shop can be found that goes by the name of "Havant Forgotten".
[Nick Morris]

There is a whole-food shop in Argyll called "Oban Sesame". [Cyril Bailey]

Drop your pants here, and you will receive prompt attention. Sign on a laundrette.

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For My 75th Birthday My Wife Gave Me...

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:

"My 75th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me a SUV".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

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Hilarious Quotes Concerning the Better Half

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice... come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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Out Of The Frying Pan & Into The Deep Fryer......

My teacher said I was being disrespectful.

She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be honest and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

This school stuff is really confusing.

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Down on the Farm

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

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A Wife's Lover Who Was Caught Naked by her Husband

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. “What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just step into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.” Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But.. but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

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Greek Style

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot"!

"You're pretty cute, too," she says. "I'll tell you what, I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place"?

"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. "Before we go up there though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style"?

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is", man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go"!

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style"?

"Definitely" the man replies!

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees".

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah, Yeah" says the man!

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style"?

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah" he mumbles, "OK Greek style"!

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "OK, GUYS! COME ON IN"!

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Are You a Believer in God and Jesus?


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn ' t get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father ' s business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment ' s notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn ' t get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN?

Another one from: Howard

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This can save your bacon


The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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