Monday 21st October 2019 - 10:16:34 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Switching Channels

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game" he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them", his wife says.

"You already know how to play golf"!



Contributed by: Matilda



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Psychiatrists Vs. Bartender


Ever since i was a child, i've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. so i went to a shrink and told him

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


Screw the shrinks.. have a drink & talk to a bartender!





Contribution from: Patti


.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Rules to Live by Version 001


  1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

  2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

  3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

  4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem"?

  5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

  6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea".

  7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

  9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

  10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

  11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

  12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

  13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

  15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

  16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

  17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

  18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

  19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

  20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

  21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

  23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

  24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

  25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!





Contribution from Charles

.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


How to Help a Lesbian Have a Baby


One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said that the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation was that she might never be a mother.

She's a good looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically, of course.

She shot me a death ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.

"No problem", I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you".




.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Now You Know Why

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.

It works like this:

It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.

After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet??

OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Doctors Attitude to Rudd’s Proposed Health Care Legislation


The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd healthcare proposals.


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.


Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.


Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.


Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.


The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to all the arseholes inCanberra.




Contributed by: Howard



.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Job Interview for Lion Tamers in a Circus

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first"?

The girl says, "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that"?

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there".



Contribution from: Matilda

.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?



You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A: Unique Up On It.



2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A: Tame Way.



3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
A: They Take The Psychopath



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It



5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A: Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A: Polaroids



7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A: A Stick



8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.



9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A: Quatro Cinco.



11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.



12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
A: Frostbite.




13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.




14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A: Anyone Can Roast Beef ....




15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A: Right Where You Left Him.




16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.




17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.




18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.




19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
A: The Location Of The Dirt Bag.




20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
A: Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.





21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A: A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.




22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.




Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.





Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.




.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Two Brothers


Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors,and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother, he died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven"?

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere".

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again".

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell".

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad"?

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't...



Contribution from: Matilda


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Things I Learned in the South..........


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jaw-P? means "Did yall go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

No, Jew? is a common response to the question, "Did you bring any beer? "

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. ------OH! YEAH ! ! ! !

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.




Courtesy of: Carl from prostatepointers.org email digest
.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   150    151    152    153  154  155    156    157    158   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.227.249.234 / 846,904Mb / 10:16:34 / 200 / No Errors