Wednesday 23rd October 2019 - 09:23:01 

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Has this Ever Happened to You on a Pub Crawl?


Last night I went on a pub crawl with some mates and woke up in bed this morning next to the most ugly, fat, stinking woman you have ever seen...

...that's when I realised I had made it home safely.


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Little Johnny and the Local Priest

Little Johnny sitting at the table along with the local priest who has been invited in for tea.

Johnny says "can you pass me the f@#$ing salt Mum"?

Johnny's Dad pulls him into the kitchen, belt's him round the ear and says "you can't say that in front of a priest, go in and apologise".

Johnny goes back to the table and says "sorry for that Father, I didn't mean to make a c@^t of myself".


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Harry Potter’s 3rd Bride


Harry Potter had been divorced twice by his unfaithful wives, so he decided the only way to get a wife who knew nothing of sex. He really meant nothing! So he moved to the back-woods and found himself a simple, innocent mountain girl and they got married.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand" and how it was unique. She was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her and was very satisfied living with Harry.

Unfortunately Harry needed to make a living and he had to go out of town on a business trip. He felt confident on leaving because his innocent wife thought only he had a "magic wand".

On his return he knew there was something strange about his wife and eventually she confronted him.

His wife blurted out "You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand"!

"Well yes..." he faltered.

"When you were away I discovered that Ron also has a magic wand" she yelled!

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Ron is my best friend and because I had two magic wands I thought I would give him one".

Suddenly she started sobbing and big tears rolled down her cheeks.

"What is the problem" Harry asked?

"Why, Oh why" she sobbed, "did you have to give Ron the big one"?!



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Best Feelgood of All Time...

...Dirty Dancing was recently voted the best 'feelgood 'film of all time.

Rubbish,i get my wedding video out,start viewing it in reverse,she get's the ring back,she walks back down the chapel,out the door,into the hired wedding car and disappears from my view completely.


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Lawyer off for a Weekend with a his Friend

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.

His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male! Meanwhile visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head! He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other"!

"Exactly", replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male"?



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Google Translate this


Using Google Translate - English to French:


Take a dirty picture for me



...now the translated French text back into English:


Prenez une photo coquine pour moi



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You Have Just Got to Love this Nurse

A police motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital because he had an inflamed appendix.

The operation was successful and the suregeon advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

He was alarmed and thought is may be a second surgery that the doctors hadn't told him about it. Finally he overcome his fear and decided to investigate. He pulled his hospital gown up to see the what was causing the irritation and making him feel so uncomfortable. He immediately saw the problem causing the irritation.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week'.


Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


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At the Florist


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location'!


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If I Had a Hammer


A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat"! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man"?

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!


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Sex Life Insurance



If you sleep with your wife:

Legal and General.


If you sleep with your girlfriend:

Mutual Trust.


If you sleep with a prostitute:

Commercial Union.


If you sleep with all types:

Group Life.


If your wife lets you sleep around:

Liberty Life


Sex on the phone:

Direct Line


Sex with your partner:

Standard life


Sex with a transvestite:
Confused.com


Sex with someone different:
GoCompare.com


Sex with a fat Bird:
MoreThan.com


Sex on the back seat of a car:
SheilasWheels.com


Sex with a posh bird:
Privileged


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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