Wednesday 26th June 2019 - 14:40:39 

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Sms Sent from a Bar



"Hi Darling,

I'm just having my last drink. I'll be home in about half hour.

If I'm not back by then - just read this SMS again".



Contributor: Terry Herbert (HAH)


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Cheers to the Footballers when They Score



When Beckham scores;   I drink Becks

When Scholes scores;   I drink Skol

When Kenny Miller scores;   I drink Millers


I thank God David Seaman was a Goalie!!!





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I Have Nothing to Offer but Blood


An Arab needed a heart transplant; prior to the surgery his surgeons ensured that ample supplies of the patient's blood was available.

The Arab had a rare type of blood which was not available locally. An urgent call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a large box of expensive chocolates.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied : "Ya habibi !!,I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?




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Quotes from Modern Programming Experts


1. "There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."
- C.A.R. Hoare

2. "Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
- Martin Golding

3. "Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program."
- Linus Torvalds

4. "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament]: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
- Charles Babbage

5. "To iterate is human, to recurse divine."
- L. Peter Deutsch

6. "The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late."
- Seymour Cray

7. "Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves."
- Alan Kay

8. "Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris."
- Larry Wall

9. "First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack."
- George Carrette

10. "People think that computer science is the art of geniuses but the actual reality is the opposite, just many people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of mini stones."
- Donald Knuth

11. "Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it."
- Brian W. Kernighan.

12. "Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight."
- Bill Gates

13. "Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code."
- Christopher Thompson

14. "I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!"
- Vidiu Platon.

15. "Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success."
- Tom DeMarco

16. "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."
- Donald E. Knuth.

17. "If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, 'We're sorry, here's a coupon for two more.' "
- Mark Minasi

18. "The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability."
- Randall E. Stross

19. "Learning to program has no more to do with designing interactive software than learning to touch type has to do with writing poetry"
- Ted Nelson

20. "I invented the term 'Object-Oriented', and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay

21. "It is easier to port a shell than a shell script."
- Larry Wall

22. "Perl - The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption."
- Keith Bostic

23. "Programming is like kicking yourself in the face, sooner or later your nose will bleed."
- Kyle Woodbury

24. "PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals."
- Jon Ribbens

25. "You can't have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families."
- Jim McCarthy

26. "In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not."
- Yoggi Berra

27. "C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success."
- Dennis M. Ritchie.

28. "Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

29. "Talk is cheap. Show me the code."
- Linus Torvalds

30. "Python's a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck."
- Cory Dodt

31. "Good design adds value faster than it adds cost."
- Thomas C. Gale

32. "The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language."
- Ron Sercely

33. "When someone says: 'I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done', give him a lollipop."
- Alan J. Perlis

34. "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
- Blair P. Houghton.

35. "For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match."
- Bill Bryson

36. "FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer."
- Alan J. Perlis.

37. "In the one and only true way. The object-oriented version of 'Spaghetti code' is, of course, 'Lasagna code'. (Too many layers)."
- Roberto Waltman.

38. "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense."
- E.W. Dijkstra

39. "Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline."
- Bill Clinton

40. "Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like."
- pixadel

41. "I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing."
- Oktal

42. "Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job."
- Mosher's Law of Software Engineering

43. "Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter."
- Eric S. Raymond

44. "I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone."
- Bjarne Stroustrup

45. "A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors."
- Waldi Ravens.

46. "A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant."
- Alan J. Perlis.

47. "They don't make bugs like Bunny anymore."
- Olav Mjelde.

48. "Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen."
- Edward V Berard

49. "Lisp isn't a language, it's a building material."
- Alan Kay.

50. "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."
- Rick Cook















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An Adolescent Observation


Q: How do you know you're getting old?

A: You have dry dreams and wet farts.



Kids today, no respect for their elders.


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Monday Morning Sickness

Seems this guy has a habit of calling in on Monday morning, with the complaint, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two guys. We don't want to lose him".

So the boss calls the guy into his office. "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a really good worker and I don't want to fire you. What's the problem, what can we do to help? Is it drugs? Alcohol"?

The guy stutters a bit, then grimaces and sighs. "Nah", the man says, "I don't drink or do drugs. But, well, my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then he beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, she calls me crying, and I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, we're having sex".

"What!?" his boss yells. "You have sex with your sister"?

"Hey," the guy snarls. "I *told* you I was sick".


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Why Can't I Own a Canadian?


Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


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Cowboys, Indians and Muslims!


Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary , Alberta , while awaiting their respective flights.

One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reservation.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Vancouver for a livestock auction.

The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:

"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few".

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:
"Once my people were few" he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is"?

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'..."



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Prostate Test in Thailand

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.


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Ultimate Bar Story


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a Kiwi, am Indian, a Turk, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a bar.


The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."


Contributor: Terrty H, HAH at prostatepointers.org


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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