Saturday 24th August 2019 - 02:38:42 

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Will We Ever Need this


It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life"?

The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's"!


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Just Got an Sms

Hi,

I am afraid I am unable 2 answer my mobile phone at the moment but if u leave me a message,The News of the World will email it 2 me later!



Contributor: Phil & Debbie


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A Guy Was Playing Golf One Day


...and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again..

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on. " She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. " Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper...




Contributor: Howard


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Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Talk about freakin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder........

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months,I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, and I shot her.


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A Birthday Wish for My Son


A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother", the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish", said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well", said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog".


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There Was this Lonely Old Lady Who...


A little old lady named Hannah checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages".

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled bottom...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She give him a call.

"Good evening, Ma'am, how may I help you"? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound"?

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line".


Contributor: Mike


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Ten Reasons the Economy is So Bad


1. A picture is now only worth 300 words.

2. I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

3. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

4. I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

5. I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

6. It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street".

7. Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

8. Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.

9. A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.


Did you notice there's only 9 of them... bl@@dy recession is scaling down everything.



updates...


'the Mafia is laying off judges.

'McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

'you get a free car with a tank of petrol.

'Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.

'that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

'I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

'kid behind the McDonald's counter asked "Can you afford fries with that"?

'that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.


Contributor: Claude


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One Liners from Sunny


Q: I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in?
A: Cheque books she said.


Q: The easiest way to make your old car run better?
A: Check the prices of new car.


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.


Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!


Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.


Q: What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
A: One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."


* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.


* Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.


Contributor: Sunny


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Once Upon a Time


There lived a king who had a beautiful daughter, his beautiful princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt!

Because of this, men were afraid of her and no one would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured".

The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was the object in the prince's pants?

They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!


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What Comes Around Goes Around


A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her".

"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen".

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms".

"That's unfortunate".

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife".

"Oh crap," said the doc, "That means we *all* have it".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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