Wednesday 11th December 2019 - 21:05:56 

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The Anniversary Present

An old man promised his wife that he'd take her to see something she wanted to see instead of the usual action-adventure movie for their anniversary, since they rarely went anywhere together. She picked the theatre and the night.

When the show started, he was delighted to find out it was one of those newfangled 3D things. While the movie didn't have any car chases or explosions, he was impressed by how lifelike it all seemed and how everything seemed to move back and forth in front of him. He told his wife that as they were walking back to their car.

She looked at him strangely. "Darling," she said, "we were watching a play. I think it's time to get you new glasses again".


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A Joke from South Africa

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a Baboon lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughed and asked "Did you give it the last rites"?

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".




Thanks go to Terry H for this one :)




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Can You Picture a Slice of Pizza in the Stomach



...waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there"?

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really" responds the pizza? "I think I'll go up there and take a look".




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The Magic of Slot Machines

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me", I said to a casino employee. "How does this work"?

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out" I asked?

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM".




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Words of Wisdom or Basic Truth


  1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving

  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee

  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

  5. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  6. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

  7. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  8. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you

  9. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

  10. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

  11. Man: Is there any way for long life?
    Dr: Get married.
    Man: Will it help?
    Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come to mind any more

  12. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
    It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

  13. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
    Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

  14. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged Marriage.
    It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

  15. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

  16. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!



Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter !


Contributor: Chuck M


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Six Favorite Could Nots


Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.


Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.


Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.


Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.


Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.


Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.


CPU is always in powersave mode.


CPU not connected to the bus.


Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)


Cranio-rectally inverted.


Cunning as a dodo bird.


Cursor's flashing but there's no response.


Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.


Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.


Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.



...any more to add?


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Today My Doctor asked Me


...what I did yesterday, I told him about my all about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake",

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man"!

"No", I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer".


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Is It with or Without a Dash



A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'.


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Compliments that Get Surprising Results


Wife to husband: "How would you describe me"?

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean"?

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

"Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K"?

"I'm Just Kidding".


Services are on Tuesday and the burial is Wednesday.


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Thibodeaux Takes a Trip to Paris

Thibodeaux, a furniture dealer from downtown New Iberia, LA decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Europe to see what he could find.

He arrived in Paris in early morning, but had an afternoon appointment with the furniture maker, so he decided to visit a small bistro during his wait.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in German (which Thibodeaux couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe near-by that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered lunch.... After which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

Thibodeaux never had so much fun!

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, which reminded Thibodeaux of his appointment, so he abruptly left.

To this day Thibodeaux still has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
_____________________


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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