Monday 9th December 2019 - 06:51:45 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Cowboy Buys Condoms


Cowboy says " Give me 3 packets of condoms please".

Cashier says "Do you need a paper bag with that sir?

Cowboy replies "Nah she ain't that ugly"!


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My Wife Threatened to Leave


...me yesterday just because I didn't open the car door for her.

I told her, "I just panicked and swam to the surface".


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You Can't Take It with You


A mean old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you".

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that silly old sod", she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement".



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Thought for Today


If you watch an apple store get robbed...

Are you an iWitness?


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My Dyslexic Mate


I went to see my dyslexic mate today and he was busy covering his penis with shoe polish.

Mate, I said, you're supposed to turn your clock back!!!

Contributor: Malcolm


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Stopped by the Police Again

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Yes, I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these margaritas which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of beers - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." he said while fumbling around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he then held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the drunk exclaimed, "Why? Don't you believe me?!"


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A Yank, Jap and a Racist Die

Three guys, an American, Japanese and a Racist died...

So during autopsy they cut open the Japanese guy's head and all they seen was high technology, Sony, Toyota, sushi, etc.

They opened the American guys head all they seen was baseball, GM signs, McDonalds, Diet Coke, etc.

When they opened the Racist guys head and looked around, it was totally empty!

They were very confused and started looking around carefully...

They found only one string that went from one side to the other side of his head...

Absolutely positive they were going to get something special...

They cut the string...

...and his ears fell off.


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Party on Friday Night

I am having a party this Friday for people who have difficulty achieving orgasms.

Let me know if you can't come.


Contributor: Phil


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How to ask for a Pay-rise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay.

He asked which three companies they were, so I told him the gas, electric and cable.


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Drink Up - the Beers Are on Me!

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend".

The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy"?

"Why should I be unhappy" replies the guy? "They saved me a fortune... both of them are pregnant"!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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