Monday 21st October 2019 - 09:49:53 

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Silent Treatment After The Honeymoon


A couple returned from thei­r honeymoon not talki­ng to each other. The husband's best friend fi­nally takes hi­m asi­de and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the new husband, "When we fini­shed maki­ng love on the fi­rst ni­ght, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bíll on the pi­llow wi­thout thi­nki­ng."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said hi­s fri­end: "I'm sure your wi­fe wi­ll get over ít soon enough - she can't expect you to have been savi­ng yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and saíd: "I don't know íf I can get over thi­s though. She gave me $20 change!"





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Tommy Cooper Short Jokes


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .


I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . .
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
So I bought her some scales.


Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. . .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs...
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him...



Contributor: Jem


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Ten Commandments


Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."


Contributor: Terry G


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Iphone Low Battery Warning


A man saved his girlfriend's phone number as " LOW BATTERY " so whenever she calls in his absence, his wife takes the phone & plugs it to the charger!



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European Financing


Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there"?

The Italian replied; "No"?


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Deer Hunter and his Blonde Wife


A man decided to take his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information: "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator" he said!

They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his blonde wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his blonde wife she was arguing with another man who was waving his hands in the air.

The man said "OK, fine lady you can have your deer but do you mind if I get my saddle off before you take it away"?


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Pulled over for Going Too Slow


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 25 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly – Twenty-fie miles an hour!” The old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 120.”


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National Orgasm Day


Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day

All across the nation, many special events will be happening in recognition of this special holiday.


Are you coming?


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In a Thousand Years Archeologists Will Believe


In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment. ...


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My Wife Thinks I'm Stupid and


My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible.

I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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