Thursday 25th April 2019 - 04:53:36 

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Solved - A Loving Present for the Girlfriend


The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that the present was for his girlfriend's seventeenth birthday and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 17 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 17-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife".

The young man bought a dozen roses.



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Proof that Men Just Don't Listen


She said: Pay attention






He said: Put it with the rest of the unpaid bills.



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Latest Advice from My Stockbroker



I asked my stockbroker what I should be buying.

He said, "If Barack Obama. remains in office much longer then canned goods a generator, water and ammunition are a good buy".


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A Touching Love Story


A boy loved a girl but was far too shy to tell her and never proposed her.

One night he could not sleep because he was thinking of her so he decided to tell her at 1 o'clock in the early morning.

His typed an SMS saying "I Love You" and sent it.

To his surprise he got a reply to his message within a few seconds!

He decided to sleep, maybe dream and save the surprise for next day.

In the morning he woke with anticipation and read the message...

...he was overcome and shocked because of what was written:
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..
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Message sending failed due to insufficient balance! Please recharge your account.



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Now I Know Where Chickpeas Come from


A young lawyer attended a seminar on motivation and the benefit of several revenue streams. Inspired by the talk the young lawyer decided to try his hand at part-time poultry farming to earn some extra income. To start the poultry farm he bought his first lot of one hundred chickens.

A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

Another month went by and the young lawyer returned again for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died.

The chicken salesman was very alarmed at the new farmer's string of bad luck; besides if word got around town, others might think the quality of his chickens was poor and that would be disastrous for business. So he asked the part-time farmer, "So do you think you are having a string of bad luck or just what seems to be your problem"?

"I think I now have a sense of where I'm going wrong", said the young lawyer and now nearly a full-time farmer. "I think I might be planting my chickens just a little bit too deep".





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A New Phenomenom Called Emooning


We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_)kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!


Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your email.


Contributor: Jem


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A Doctor in Texas


A small town Texas Doctor was famous in the area for always catching the biggest fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales...

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz





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Salesman Meets his Wife in the Hotel Lobby


A tired salesman pulls into a hotel around midnight.

Exhausted after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the salesman notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night".

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this" he yells at the clerk? "I've only been here for one night"!

"Yes", says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks"!



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Wonderful Flu


Jed ran into Mickey yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. Jed asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks," replied Mickey. "You know, it was a wonderful experience".

"Wonderful" asked Jed? "How can the flu be wonderful"?

"Well", said Mickey, "I learned that Suzanne really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them. 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her telling them".


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Shopping for a New Sofa

Pete and I were looking at a new sofa in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "we really like it but we cannot afford to buy it.

The saleman said, "No problem, you just make a small down payment then you don't need to make another payment for six months".

What a flippin cheek! Who told then about us?



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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