Thursday 25th April 2019 - 22:53:41 

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How Mickey Lost the Bet


Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy looking lady! He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom".

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.

He took his out his glass eye, placed it next to his drink and went to the bathroom.

"OK chance to get your money back, I bet I can bite my own ear", Mickey challenged next.

The Barmaid accepted the bet.

He took out his false teeth and nipped his ear. Once more he pocketed his winnings.

"Okay", Mickey said, "I'll give you one last chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make love to you so gently and tenderly you won't feel a thing - bouble or nothing".

Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.

Mickey lifted her skirt and away they went.

"I can feel you", she giggled.

"Oh well", he cried while climaxing, "This is not my lucky day... you can't win them all"!!






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18 Funny eBay Feedbacks


  1. NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

  2. NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

  3. NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

  4. NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

  5. POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

  6. POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

  7. NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bahts via Eastern Union Moneygram.

  8. POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

  9. NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

  10. NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

  11. NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

  12. POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

  13. NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

  14. POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

  15. POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

  16. NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

  17. POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

  18. NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.




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Today's Rib Ticklers

A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.



I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.



I walked into a bar the other night and bought a drink. As I was leaving the bar, a bowl of nuts said "Ohh..nice shoes...love your hair". "Well", I thought, "that's odd!" So I walked to the cigarette machine and it starts shouting..."Oi...f@#k off you dickhead! I'll smash your face in!"

I went back to the bar to ask the bar tender what was going on and he said "Oh, sorry sir.... the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."



My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.



I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes.



Q: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" asked my mate.
A: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" I replied.



I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



When chemists die, they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.



PMS jokes aren't funny — period.



We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.



I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.



What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



Velcro: what a rip off!



The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

and not forgetting...



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


Contributor: Joolz


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Husband caught in the act


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"


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It says so in the Bible


In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left and, at a "7-11" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read yor Bibles"!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "Here you go - it says, "The Three Wise Men came from afar"!!!


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My Wish for Today - 2012-04-17


if only I could convert all

my mouse scrolling into

a usable form of energy,





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Snooker Ball Diet

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I got a problem. My stomach is killing me"!

"The doctor says, "Well, let's start with your diet. What kind of food do you eat"?

Man says, "I eat snooker balls." "Snooker Balls?" the Doc asks "What do you mean you eat snooker balls"?

The man replies, "I eat the red ones for breakfast. I eat the white and black ones for lunch. I eat the blue and yellow ones for dinner".

The doctor ponders this and nods his head saying, "Mmm-hmm, yes, I see. Well I think I know what your problem is".

The man says, "Really"?

"Yep" says the doctor, "Not enough greens"!


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One Liners from Joolz

I just got off the phone to Sea World... My call was recorded for training porpoises.

I think our new pet Rabbit must be vicious... The wife said when she brings it home I'm going to have to make a run for it

Just had a good tip 4 the grand national... A horse called creosote..! Goes really wel over fences...!!

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic... It's syncing now.

When chemists die... They barium.

Jokes about German sausage... Are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid... He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me.

A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns... It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


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Aussie Humour

There hewas sittin watching the Footy Match Of The Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a bonk babe"?

He said, "Can you wait until the football is over"?

She said, "You do realize that you can record it"?

He said, "Nice one, you get the camcorder and I'll be upstairs as soon as the footy finishes".


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It was all a mistake

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders……

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,


"Sack my cook".


And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred...


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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