Wednesday 11th December 2019 - 21:31:28 

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How to Sell Watermelons


I went to my local market today and saw a sign that said: "ONE WATERMELON FOR $3 OR THREE FOR $10"

Instead of telling the guy behind the stall how stupid he was I decided to show him.

So I walked up to him and asked: "Can I buy a watermelon please?"

"Yes sir, that'll be three dollars."

I handed over the money and asked: "Actually, can I have another one please?"

"No problem sir, that's another three dollars."

"Can I have one more?"

"Certainly sir, three more dollars please."

Smirking I said: "I've just bought three watermelons for nine dollars but on your sign it says ten. Don't you realise how stupid you are?"

"That happens a lot," he chuckled, "until I point out that you just bought three watermelons instead of one."



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Chuck Norris Update 001


Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone

Chuck Norris is so cool he lost his virginity before his Dad

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result...


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Ponderisms - The Best Nineteen

  1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit Salad.

  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.

  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

  18. if stupidity got us into this mess,why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers

  19. "We are lucky we don't get as much Government as we pay for." Will Rogers




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Short jokes and some One Liners

This joke goes out to all the paranoia sufferers out there..... You know who you are....


Overheard in a hardware store...
Blond: Do you sell colour TV's?
Clerk: Yes we do
Blond: Have you got one in red?


What do you call a man with a toe made of rubber?
Roberto


What is Santa’s Favourite Pizza? ..... One that’s deep pan, crisp and even


My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.


My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.


My girlfriend gave me fifty quid and told me to go out and get something that would make her look sexy.
You should have seen her face when I came home pissed


Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.


There's got to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction


My dog kept chasing people on a bike.
So we took his bike off him.
Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.
So we gave him his bike back.
Because his bark was worse than his bike.


Couldn't it believe my flat-mate got fired from his job as a road worker for stealing.
Just did not believe it however when I got home the signs were everywhere !!!


I tried to commit suicide yesterday.....I'm not trying that again...it almost killed me.


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A Gift for the Husband who liked Golf


A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it" she asked?

"One hundred and fifty dollars" he replied.

She said "But that's rather expensive don't you think"?

"But it comes with an inscription" the salesman replied.

"What kind of inscription" she asked?

"Whatever you wish" he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN' ".

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place"!









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Nighttime Flight Pilot and the Controller

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who"?

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where"?




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Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed"?!.

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out"!!!



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Helpful Neighbor

One day, a man notices that his next door neighbor is erecting a tightrope in the backyard. The neighbor goes out to practice every day. He uses balancing bars, carries weights, and even pedals a unicycle across.

Then he starts focusing his practice on the tightrope with a wheel barrow. Every day, he puts more and more weight in the wheel barrow and goes back and forth on the tight rope.

One day, the man chats with his neighbor. "I've been watching you practicing on the tightrope for weeks now, and have to say, you're amazing. But, what’s it all for?" the neighbor asks.

"I'm glad you’ve noticed. As a matter of fact, tomorrow, I'm going to cross over Niagra Falls on my tightrope. Why don't you come out and see?" the man replies.

The next day, the neighbor is there watching the man get ready for his big show.

"Do you believe I can make it?"

"Oh yes, I’ve seen you practice. You can do it – easy!"

"Great – get in the wheel barrow."


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Divorce - USA vs Middle East


Bob : You know what, it's really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say "I divorce you" to his wife 3 times and it's done!

Jack: It's even easier here in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.




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Technical Support from Husband to Wife



Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, “Windows frozen".


Husband texts back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it".


Wife texts back, "Computer completely screwed now".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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