Saturday 7th December 2019 - 11:10:07 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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RTFM and Excerpts from the Manual

DEBUGGING : Removing the needles from the haystack.


A computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things.
They are, in short, a perfect match.??
-Bill Bryson


Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary


"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
-Dijkstra


"The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea."
- The Wizardry Compiled_ by Rick Cook


"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.
This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change."
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers


"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
- Bjarne Stroustrup


"Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals."
- Henry Spencer


"Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time."
- David Gries, in "Compiler Construction for Digital Computers", circa 1969.


FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.


C is almost a real language. Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk.


Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.


Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.


Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.


We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.


COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.


Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.


The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of its capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.


A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.


The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually the programmer.


Programming is an art form that fights back.


After a number of decimal places, who cares?


"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.


If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.


"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"


If God had intended humans to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.


There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.


You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.


Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.


PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.


Programming is a lot like sex.
One mistake and you could have to support it the rest of your life.


Real programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't turn from 99,999 to 99,99A.


BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don't RETURN.
There are 10 types of people in this world.


Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"


"No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."
- Bill Gates:


You can't make a program without broken egos.





Finally the Programmers Anthem

Title: Another Glitch in the Call (Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)

We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?

Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!

Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.








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Hot Flushes, Fainting - Call 911



The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.


When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.


The man said "It was enough to make anybody faint...

my son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower"!


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Low Battery Warning


Ingenious:



A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his cell as "LOW BATTERY".

Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.




Give that man a medal:

The Caller of the Year Award:


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Case Closed


I Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I pondered about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another baby". On the other hand, you'll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts".

I rest my case.

Case closed!




Contributor: HapSailor (Prostate Pointers)


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Street Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now"?

"Yes".

"Oui".

"Sí".

"Ja".


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Four Juvenile Delinquents at the Zoo

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor", he said.

"Boys", said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong".

"My name is George", said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen".

"My name is Pete", said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen".

"My name is Mike", said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen".

"My name is Peanuts", said the fourth boy.


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Las Vegas Monks

Las Vegas has many churches, and people frequently drop casino chips into the collection plates.

The various churches cannot easily turn them into dollars, so a service was started by a group of Franciscan monks to pick up the chips weekly and go around to the various casinos and redeem the chips for dollars. They support themselves this way and provide a valuable service.

They are called chipmonks.


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Wife vs Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV
Girlfriend is like a mobile

At home you watch TV
but when you go out you take your mobile

No money, you keep your old TV
got money, you change your mobile

Sometimes you enjoy TV
but most of the time you play with your mobile

TV is free for life
but for the mobile, if you dont pay, services will be terminated

TV is big and bulky
mobile is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Operational costs for TV is minimal
but for the mobile it is often high and demanding

Most importantly, mobile is a two-way communication ( you talk and listen )
but with the TV you must only listen ( whether you like it or not )

but always remember.....



TV’s dont have viruses
mobiles often do...




Contributor: Jlo


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Priceless Number-002


-'My wife went out to buy a jug of milk and never came back!

-'How are you coping?

-'I use this powdered stuff!





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Priceless Number-001

-'Honey, do I please you in bed?

-'Yes, especially this trick you do with your mouth!

-'What trick?

-'When you shut up and go to sleep!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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