Monday 21st October 2019 - 09:49:07 

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Texas vs California

CALIFORNIA:

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor’s dog, then bites the governor.

The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control.

Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases and $500 to relocate it.

He calls a veterinarian.

The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases.

The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for infections from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail is shut down for 6 months while scientists from the Department of Fish & Game conduct a $100,000 project to make sure the nature area is now free of dangerous animals.

The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The state legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding coyote behavior.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million lawsuit against California.

TEXAS:

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.


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Blonde caught speeding again



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you"!


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Jailed Banknote Salesman turns Carpenter - Groaner

The banknote salesman was sent to prison for going into business for himself part-time. While behind bars, the warden made arrangements for the salesman to learn a trade. In no time, the salesman became known as one of the best carpenters in the area. He often got day passes to do woodworking jobs for people in town.

When the warden started remodeling his kitchen, he called the salesman, now carpenter, into his office and asked him to build and install new cabinets and countertops.

The salesman refused.

"Gosh, I'd really like to help you," he said, "but counterfitting is what got me into prison in the first place."


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Is Ammunition Getting Real Scarce

This morning was lucky and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back to work, I stopped at the gas station where the most gorgeous blonde was filling her truck at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my dually and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo"?

I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got"?



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Lost in Harrods

A little Arab kid was crying because he lost his mother in Harrods.


A sales clerk says: "What does your mother look like"?


The little Arab kid says: "I have no idea...


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Old Manny and his doctor


Manny Cohen, feeling unwell, goes to see his doctor...

Doctor: "You are not getting any younger, Mr. Cohen", says the doctor.

Manny says "younger I don't want to get again, doctor, it's 'older' that I want to get"!!!




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George and his new wife


George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart".

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife”.

"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before"!

George retorts, ”I wasn't“!








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Mary Poppins - Best Groaner of the Day

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still" inquired Mary?

"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu"?

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.

"Certainly, madam", he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed" asked Mary politely?

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please", Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well"?

"Yes, thank you", Mary replied.

"Food to your liking"?

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though ... they really weren't that nice at all", replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion", said the receptionist.

"OK, I will... many thanks" replied Mary... who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"!


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Male logic


Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn 't drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where 's your Ferrari then?


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Paraprosdokians

Winston Churchill loved Paraprosdokians, which are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

  1.   Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  2.   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

  3.   Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  4.   If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

  5.   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  6.   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  7.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  8.   They begin the evening news with "Good Evening," then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

  9.   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  10.   Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

  11.   I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay-checks.

  12.   In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put, "DOCTOR."

  13.   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  14.   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  15.   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

  16.   A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

  17.   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  18.   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  19.   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

  20.   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

  21.   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  22.   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  23.   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  24.   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  25.   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  26.   Where there's a will, there are relatives.

  27.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  28.   There but for the grace of God—goes God."

  29.   A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (allegedly referring to Clement Attlee)

  30.   You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else.

  31.   I'm supposed to respect my elders, but nowadays it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.




Etymology     Wikipedia
"Paraprosdokian" comes from Greek "παρά", meaning "against" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation". The term "prosdokia" ("expectation") occurs with the preposition "para" in Greek rhetorical writers of the 1st century BCE and the 1st and 2nd centuries CE, with the meaning "contrary to expectation" or "unexpectedly." These four sources are cited under "prosdokia" in Liddell-Scott-Jones, Greek Lexicon. Canadian linguist and etymology author William Gordon Casselman argues that, while the word is now in wide circulation, "paraprosdokian" (or "paraprosdokia") is not a term of classical (or medieval) Greek or Latin rhetoric, but a late 20th-century neologism, citing the fact that the word does not yet appear in the Oxford English Dictionary as evidence of its late coinage. However, the word appeared in print as early as 1891 in a humorous article in Punch magazine.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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