Monday 21st October 2019 - 12:25:13 

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Beware of the Dog


A stranger walks into a Ma & Pa store and spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of the Dog"!

Just as he got inside, he sees a harmless old hound, fast asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of" he asks the owner?

"That's him", the owner replied.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign"?

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him".


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Latest Canadian Government Study


When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.

However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2 percent were killed by car impact.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn "Cah", but he could not say "Truck".


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A Good Alternative Investment


The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh

A Singapore millionaire, William, secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong , bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.

The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up.

A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE SEX.

When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her.

But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful...

She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said... "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!


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French Accent Bloomer - Not A Penis


When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years"?

"A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'"!


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Holiday Brochure Translation

Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.


The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.


The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.


Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.


Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.


Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."


Contributor: Howard


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Little Johnny gets his own TV

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room.

His dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Little Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice"

Dad looks horrified and tells Little Johnny all about sex and the birds and the bees.

Little Johnny just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watching"?

Little Johnny replies, "Tennis"


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Jew Spotted Reading Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper"?

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.

So I switched to the Arab newspaper...

now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better"!


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The Biology Test

A college student studied intensely for his Biology final exam.

Day and night he crammed for this test. He covered everything from microorganisms to the anatomy of a worm.

Test day arrived and he was more than ready to ace the test.

He was shocked when he walked into the classroom for the test.

There were lab' tables all over the room. On each table was a paper bag with a pair of bird legs and feet sticking out of the end of the bag.

The professor instructed the class of 200 students that their entire test was to identify what bird was in the bag by looking at the bird's legs and feet.

The college student who had studied so conscientiously was livid.

He shouted, "I'm not doing this stupid test. I'm leaving".

The professor stopped him. "Young man, what is your name"?

The student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me......."


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Picky Lady Shopping at Tesco for Fresh Fruit

A picky lady customer at Tesco's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered. "Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please", the picky lady says to the saleslady.

Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

"And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too".

Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

"And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

"Grapes", says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale"!


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Angry Mum goes shopping


My mom and dad were arguing yet again the other day but this time mum decided to get even by going shopping...

When mom returned home she said to dad that she had just purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten", he screamed. "TEN"???!!!!

"Ten", is all she said, standing right up to him.

"What could any woman want with ten new dresses"???!!!!

My mom turned to my dad, calmly looked him right in the eye and said...

"Ten new pairs of shoes and ten handbags".


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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