Sunday 16th June 2019 - 21:42:02 

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Daddy, How Did I Come into this World?


"Daddy? How did I come into this world"?

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way".

"So why not today? Please"!

"OK, but listen carefully".

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe...

In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick.

When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, ...nine months later we ended up with a virus".




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A Timeless Lesson on How Consultants can Make a Difference for an Organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon"?

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now".

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there"?

"Oh, certainly"! Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back"?

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".



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Johnny Again

Johnny and his class mates had all been asked to bring something to school to show the class that would explain what their father did for a living. Everybody was impressed by Johnny's oxy-acetylene torch and face mask.

After school Johnny waited outside the gates for his mother to collected him. A stanger approached. "Hello" said the stranger, "You look like a nice boy, I'm supposed to take you home"

"OK" says Johnny and happily trots off with the strange fellow.

Along the way the stranger asks "Have you ever heard the word penis?"

"No" replies Johnny.

"Have you ever heard the word masturbation?"

"No" replies Johnny.

"How about bugger?"

"Look, mister," says Johnny "I'm not a real welder"



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Charles Playing Golf


Charles stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

Generally, he was driving his golf partner nuts. Finally he says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the ball"!!!

Charles answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot".

His golf partner ponders this for a moment and then replies, "Forget it dude, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here"!



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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"





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Escaped Murderer

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it"!

"Darling", the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom".



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The Suppository

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine
home.

Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"


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The Cowboy

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."


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Lucky 5

There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth


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Good Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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