Thursday 25th April 2019 - 23:15:52 

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Don't You Love Me No More

Sitting at the dinning table one night, the husband divided a piece of steak into a bigger half and a smaller half.

Keeping the bigger half for himself he gave the smaller half to his wife.

Wife looked into his eyes and asked, "Dear, during the first few years of our marriage, you used to take the smaller piece and give me the bigger one, but today you did the opposite, is it because you don't love me no more?"

"Nonsense, darling, you just cook better now."







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Cheating Patient

A man is trying to avoid doctor's fee after having an eye surgery.

When the doctor asks, "how do you feel, can you see clearly?" the man replies, "doc. i can't see a thing."

Doctor thinks for a while, then gestures a nurse to come in and undress in front of the man.

The man again replies he can't see a thing when the doctor asked him yet once again if he can see anything?

The doctor motions the nurse to spread her legs and then asks the man, "Do you see anything now?"

The man shakes his head and gives a firm reply, "No doctor, i can see nothing."

Doctor gives the man a tight bird (slap) on the head and exclaims, "If you can't see a thing, why are you getting an erection?"


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Ponderisms Version: 001


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


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Olympic Games 2012

As you may know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50km WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Late News:

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year.


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A Farang Came out of a Toilet...

A Farang (foreigner) came out of a toilet one morning after having a spicy Som Tam (Thailand's equivalent to a very hot curry) dinner the night before.

"God!!! Now I know why they use water, bloody tissue can catch fire, man!!!!!"


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Visiting the Parents

Bob is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Bob sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Bob decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bob remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUC*ING DISHES!!"


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21 St Century...

Our communication     Wireless
Our dress     Topless
Our telephone     Cordless
Our cooking     Fireless
Our youth     Jobless
Our food     Fatless
Our labour     Effortless
Our conduct     Worthless
Our relation     Loveless
Our attitude     Careless
Our feelings     Heartless
Our politics     Shameless
Our education     Valueless
Our follies     Countless
Our arguments     Baseless
Our boss     Brainless
Our Job     Thankless
Our Salary     Very less



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An Australian Genie!

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", says the man. "I'm not going to trust an ATO auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon




And the moral of the story?




If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached




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Reducing your Ration

Maurice was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner, "she's cut some of us out altogether."





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Reducing Expenditure

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back...







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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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