Saturday 24th August 2019 - 03:40:57 

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Ponderisms Version: 002

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.



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Thailand Headlines

Freddie from Surin was fed up with his wife, so he decided to do away with her. He called up his mate Artie, agreed to do the job for 10,000 baht. Freddie was a bit skint so he told his mate he would give him 10baht to seal the contract, and the rest when his wifes insurance was paid.

Artie hides out in Big C toilet, till he see's Freddies wife coming. He strangles her, but just as he was clearing up a maid comes in and starts screaming. He strangles her as well.

The whole thing was caught on video though, and the police came and arrested the murderer.

Next day the headlines read (scroll down...)








Artie chokes two for 10 baht in Big C.






The British Version:


So, here's the story.. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single one pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound coin as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...





You're going to hate me for this...





"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for 1 pound AT TESCO"

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff,

I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to my other warped friends.


Another groaner from: Howard









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Irish Border Crossing

Five Englishmen turn up at the Irish border in an Audi Quatro

Paddy at the crossing says " One of you get out, five in that car is illegal. Quatro means four"

" Don't be silly you dumb Irishman" the driver said. " I want to speak to someone with a bit of intelligence. Where's your supervisor?"

" He can't come" Paddy replied " He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno"





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Difference Between the Sexes

The evening according to her.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything about it. The conversation was quite slow-going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no, but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hel_l that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. then after about 10 minutes he joined me and we had sex, but he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to Leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?



The evening according to him:-
Chelsea lost, England lost. Knackered. Got a sh@g, though!






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Insulting Druggist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to
call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a s! peeding ticket. Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started
waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing wi! th no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."



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A Greek and an Italian Were Drinking Coffee...

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."


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Who Wants to Be a Pig?

Not sure how true this is, but enjoy anyway




If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)


A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.



(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)



(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour



(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.



("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.



(Something I always wanted to know.)





The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.



(Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.



(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.



(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.




(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains



(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.



(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



(What about that pig??)


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Offside Rule Explained to Women

With the World Cup approaching, this could be very useful advice....

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also & is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper!

NOW DO YOU GET IT?!!


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Words of Wit and Wisdom

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, remember amateurs built the ark - professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - how can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.




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Cowboy from Brokeback Mountain

A rugged Cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Colorado, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

Cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalopeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."








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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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