Wednesday 21st August 2019 - 13:55:47 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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The Lecture

Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."






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A Telephone Conversation

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank" After a

brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle

Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the

phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and

shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it

Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran

around screaming. Then she tripped over the! rug, hit her head on the

dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he

jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess

he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the

bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says . . ..

Swimming pool??


Is this 555-7039??????"


No !


Click............



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Colonoscopies Are No Joke

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"




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Suv Black Box Voice Recorders Last 16 Seconds Before the Crash


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 39 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !"

Only the states of Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky, South Carolina, North Carolina and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin".





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Rodney's One Liners

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!





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Spanish Lessons

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because ....

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because .....


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won




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In the Beginning

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then sai d, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, sai d angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*


*



*



*



*



*



*



*



*



*



*





"What's a headache?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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Topical

A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken meet....

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself



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Doctor's Opinion

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"


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Rabies diagnosed by the doctor

The tough, macho businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Please give me a pen and paper?" requested the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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