Monday 9th December 2019 - 06:52:05 

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The Inventor

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd.

Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."


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No Calls

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"




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A Man Goes to the Doctor and Says ‘doc; I Think I Might Be Gay’

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I think I might be gay."

The doctor said he would run a few tests and asked the man to undress. The doctor then grabbed the man's balls and said, "Say the number 55."

The man says, "55."

The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and said, "Say the number 55."

The man says, "55."

The doctor said he had one final test and needed the man to bend over. The doctor then inserted his finger into the man's ass and said, "Say the number 55."

The man said, "1..2..3.."



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Chat Up Line

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends on how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."




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Cowboy in Texas

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."



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Toes

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist.

She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. When ever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes".

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big ones"!!!








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Top Drawer One Liners

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex
with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were
all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the
river.

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I
dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss
say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....Ann says...
'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital
to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging
one of those again!

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust
bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked
for your arse'.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale
clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's
with a twinkle in his eye.....'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too
much,it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading
again.

Little girl gets lost in a Target store, security guard asks her
'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen, Wales asks 'Can you settle an
argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?'
The waitress leaned over and said 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey pokey has died aged 93. The
worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then
the trouble started.

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started
walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't
know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of
Her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the
tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon
suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers
'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

There now, it didn't really hurt to smile or even laugh out loud!!!!


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Heart Broken

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."


Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.




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Cheesy Jokes

What kind of cheese is the most dishonest?
...Lychees!



How do they stack their cheese in Wales?
Caerphilly



What cheese can you coax a bear out of a tree with?
Camembert



What cheese do you build a sturdy castle out of?
Roquefort



what cheese can hide a horse?
mascarpone



What cheese is made backwards?
Edam



What cheese doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese



Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory?
There was de brie everywhere.



What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi



What is the cheesiest metal festival in France called?
Roquefort



Why did the clown fall down without his cheese?
...because he forgot to get his Stilton!



What's a magicians favorite cheese?
CHEDDAR!!!



How did the cheese monger paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester.


¯\_(ツ)_/¯





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Hair

A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress.

"I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."

The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.

The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.

The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."

The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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