Thursday 25th April 2019 - 05:33:33 

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Traveling in New Zealand

There was an elderly couple from Iowa visiting New Zealand on vacation a few years ago. They rented a car and decided to tour the North Island. No sooner had they reached the countryside when Mother, who was the driverand was hard of hearing, was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.

The traffic cop did the twirly thing with his fingers to wind down the window, which she did.

The cop said to her, "Madam, you were doing over the legal speed limit."

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

Her husband shouted, "He said you were speeding."

She said to the cop, "I'm sorry officer," to which the officer replied, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue you with a speeding ticket." She said to her husband, "What did he say?" He shouted back, "He said he's going to cite you for speeding."

By this time the cop had become aware of her hearing problem, and as he was writing out the ticket, he asked, "Where are you from?"

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

and he yelled back, "He wants to know where you're from." She said to the cop, "I'm from the United States of America."

The cop then muttered to himself, "I went there once and had the worst sex I'd ever had in my life."

She said to her husband (You guessed it) "What did he say?" to which he replied in a very loud voice, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"


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Blonde at Work and Wanted a Few Days off Work


I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing"?

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going"?

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"!


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The Best Cure for Persistent Headaches! !

Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure you headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache". "The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street and realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, ‘that’s what I need, a new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see…, size 44 long". Joe laughed: “That's right, how did you know?” "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know"? "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "How about some new underwear"? Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure". The salesman said, “Let's see . . . size 36.” Joe laughed, "Ah ha!! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old".

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.


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A Man with a Dog Walks into a Bar

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

"I'll have a bourbon and Coke."

The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"

"I'll have a Scotch and soda--light on the soda," says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"

"No, Rover can really talk. While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself, but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."

"Let's go look for him," said the man.

The two went to the drugstore. No Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets, but stil no dog. Finally, they find Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"

"It's the first time I ever had any money."


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Wife's Work on the Sly

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.
"5th and Main, please."

"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work."

"Really? My wife doesn't work."

"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I drive you to work."

"There?"

"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."

"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours, and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later, the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman & Lane.

"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."

There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out with a woman in a headlock.

"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.

"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."





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Major Breakthrough!!!

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough!

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.



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They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned... They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
====================
They walk among us, AND reproduce!






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The Queen Saw from her Yacht

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) ..."I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ...




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G W Bush Was Sleeping when Suddenly He Awoke

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Bush isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play".



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Dogs and Bars

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a farking Chihuahua???!!!"




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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