Monday 21st October 2019 - 09:57:45 

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Squashed Frog


A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up To the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked What he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I
want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay For it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum Will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!!!!!


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David Beckam Horse Riding


David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watching her husband.


After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.


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Call to Prayer

I recently returned from a trip to the Middle East.

It was an experience I will long remember. I had expected to find nomads living in the middle ages. Instead I found the area to be firmly in the twentieth century. I remember most the faithful Muslims being called to come to prayer.

They now use microphones. They have become ... Mecca-nized.




The Lecture
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying...

"Many hands make light work."




The Friend
I remember my cousin‘s friend, Julia We called her "Ju". Ju had an annoying friend who kept on referring to himself as her cousin, and when he was invited to parties he would make a fool of himself. On two occaisons had to be kicked out of the party. So the really cool thing about her was not only was she a good listener, but...

she was the only Ju in history to have their false kin removed twice.




The Indian Chief
Iroquios Chief Smallfellow died in battle. During the night, one of "Shorty's" wives snuck his body out of the camp and had a very private burial under a Joshua tree out on the prairie. She then made her son a dinner of Chinese noodles. He ate them on top of a carved tree depicting the history of his father. It was said that this was the first time anyone ever heard of...

Lo Mein on a totem pole.




The Mafia
A Mafia underboss was sending one of his men out to run an errand for the Godfather. He was to make a pickup at Al Weiss the tailor's establishment. To make sure the hood understood, he was asked to repeat the instructions. "OK, boss, its...

Al Weiss, dark vest, be for the Don"!


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Fortunate


One criminal who was accused of several murders and robbery was sentenced to death by the judge of the court. It was decided that the criminal will be shot in front of a firing squad on a particular day.

On that very day, the weather was very foul. It rained cats and dogs.

There was no sufficient light to see anything clearly. But duty is duty so the captain of the squad along with his five soldiers took the criminal and started walking to the spot.

On the way the criminal told the Captain, "See,what a weather! I am not afraid of death, but this day is not suitable for dying. What do you think?"

"Truly, the weather is very foul", the Captain replied, "But you are fortunate as you are only going, just think of our condition, we have to go back!".


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King Frederick Ii Visit To A Jail

Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and
in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.

One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You, there!"

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, your majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it."




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The Shy Welsh Village Lad

A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon miss' and hurry off about his business.

He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones", he said, "a beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to chat girls up, I've never done it before".

Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss. I's a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your garden. That will get the conversation going".

Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the washroom.

This is it, thought Elwyn, its now or never. So he stood outside the washroom and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of him looking beautiful.

Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss".

She said, "Good evening".

He continued, "It's a b-beautiful day isn't it"?

"Yes", she said, "it is a splendid day".

Encouraged he went on. "I'm your neighbor, and I must tell you you have a lovely garden".

She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too".

Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm, erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you"?



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Ther Retired Gynecologist Switches Careers and Becomes Acar Mechanic


A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.

The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be" he asked?

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe".


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Good News and Bad News from the Airline Pilot About a Hijacker


Airline pilot to passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and bad news.

The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board.

The good news is, he wants to go to the French Riviera".


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Might As Well

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks.


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Searching For a Missing Cia Agent in Ireland

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning'. If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes and for mist at noon as well'".

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy".

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too".

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning".

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. You can't miss him. He lives right down the street, third on the left".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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