Saturday 24th August 2019 - 02:29:56 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Little Johnny's Homework Excuse


When little Johnny was in the fifth grade he looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Johnny, I hope it's not homework again"?

"Well, uh, yes it is", replied Johnny. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane".

"Johnny, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do", said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in".

"Oh, but that won't work", said Johnny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked".


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Red Cross


Despite warnings from her guide, Vickie skiing in Switzerland got separated from her group and fell into a deep crevasse.

Several hours later, a rescue party found the hole, and to reassure the

stranded skier shouted down to her, "We're from the Red Cross"

"Sorry," Vickie echoed back, "I already gave at the office!"


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Computer Dependency Test


Here's a quick test for you to take. This just proves that we
have become too dependent on our computers.

Q: Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

Look down, not scroll down, dummy!


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Fight with the Little Woman


Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"


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Body Language


A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto. However, the poor woman was not very proficient in English, although she did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts!

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)















What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails !!!!!!!!

Geeee!, I don't know about some of you!


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After the First Blind Date


The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish...but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."


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The Indoctrination


In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "Bubba, you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, ma'am," the he stammers. "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."


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Unrequited Love

The lowly stable boy could only watch and dream about the beautiful girl who came to ride her horse every afternoon. It was a case of unrequited love.

One day he was painting the empty stables and day-dreaming about his girl when he realised that he was painting the stall that her horse was kept in. The horse shied, coming into contact with the fresh paint and smearing it all over itself.

"What will I do?" he wondered. "I know -I'll continue to paint the stall and horse too. When she arrives to ride, she'll wonder who painted her horse green. I'll say I did it accidentally. As her horse dries I'll suggest we might ride double on the horse in the next stall. She'll agree and we'll ride together to the little pond out by the waterfall. We'll admire the scenery for a while, then she'll say, 'I'd love to go swimming but I didn't bring my suit.'

I'll tell her that no-one ever comes here at this time of day so we can safely swim in the nude. We'll skinny-dip for a while then lie close together on the grass. One thing will lead to another and we'll make mad, passionate love. That's what I'll do."

It was almost time for the beautiful girl to arrive so he hid in the next stall, eager to carry out the next stage of his
plan. The girl came to the stall, opened the door and exclaimed, "Who painted my horse green?"

Excitedly, the boy lept from his hiding place and shouted, "I did! Let's bonk!"


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One Night While Laying in Bed


One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I finally found the remote!"


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One Liners Version: 003

A horse walks up to the bar to get a drink and the bartender says 'what’s with the long face'?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A good pun is its own reword.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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