Monday 21st October 2019 - 09:55:30 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


A Blonde Was Summoned to Court To...

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The New Rooster

An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Kiwi rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the Kiwi rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

Kenny the Kiwi seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened".Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says: “Shhh, they're getting closer."





Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


And He Said...

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . .... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . . Why did the man cross the road?
She said. He heard the chicken was a slut.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .. . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ..... . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


You Are No Longer 'cool' When...

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a
new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-
inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Pink Floyd and
Black Sabbath.

8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of
grabbing beer and joining in.

9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you
have to work the next day.

10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

13. Sex becomes: "All that foolishness."

14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

15. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

16. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a
corporation.

17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid
for your son's new running shoes.

18. You actually ASK for your father's advice.

19. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a
surf board.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Planting the Seed...

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out,continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Millions of Years Ago...

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.

[I don’t know who said this, but it sounds like Dave Berry]


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Man Went to the Doctor...

A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his penis dripping after had urinated.

The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem."

After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all of a sudden he heard "sniffff" and it was gone!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Lola's Graduation

Lola had been a senior at the Dallas University for Mutant Blondes (D.U.M.B.) for 12 long years without graduating.

Finally, the Dean called her in and explained that she was setting some kind of record for having been a senior the longest without graduating. He explained that he was afraid that she might be giving DUMB a bad name. "So I have a plan.", he said. "I will ask you one question. If you get it right, you can graduate. If you are wrong, you will have to leave." But he continued, "We want to give you as much support as possible. So we will ask you the question at mid-field of the football stadium. We will invite the entire DUMB student body to attend and give you support. Lola said that she felt that was a fair deal.

On the set day at the appointed time all the blondes at DUMB filed into the stadium and took a seat. Then Lola and the Dean entered and went to mid-field. The Dean repeated the rules and asked Lola if she understood and agreed.

Lola nodded her acceptance.

The question is, said the Dean,. How much are 2+2?

Lola's face tightened and she started repeating the question to herself. Then she started biting her lower lip.

The Dean told her to take her time because so much was riding on her answer.

Lola then started kicking the dirt at her feet all the while repeating the question. Finally her face lit up and she shouted, "2+2=4!!!

The entire student body stood up and screamed in unison, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


What Goes on in Nursing Homes

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you in the rocker".

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life".

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room" says the old man?

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker"!




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Outhouse Repairs

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,"Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   6    7    8    9  10  11    12    13    14   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.227.249.234 / 831,232Mb / 09:55:30 / 200 / No Errors