Thursday 25th April 2019 - 23:13:08 

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Judge and the Prostitute

Judge asked prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped"?

Prostitute replied wiping her tears "When the cheque bounced"!!!!


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Broken Fence in Dc

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C. One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700.00."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!!




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The Surrogate Father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.

'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...

''Oh, no need to explain', Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you'.

''Have you really' said the photographer? 'Well, that's good.Did you know babies are my specialty'?

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in andhave a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start'?

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And some times the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there".

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me"!

''Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results".

'My, that's a lot', gasped Mrs. Smith!

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.

''Don't I know it', said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a Bus', he said.

'Oh, my God' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat!

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with".

''She was difficult' asked Mrs. Smith?

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'.

''Four and five deep' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement?

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment"?

''It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away".

'Tripod"?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long'.


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Abstain from Sex


A young couple wanted to join the synagogue, the Rabbi told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month".

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the synagogue. When the Rabbi ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem"?, the Rabbi inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month". the young man replied sadly.

The Rabbi asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat", admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The Rabbi lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our synagogue".

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either".



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The Postman Pat

One Monday morning the Postman Pat is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night", Postman Pat comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I".

Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

Postman Pat laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"!


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Some Wonderful Proverbs:


If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Jewish Proverb

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of ourage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."
Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!
Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts
Albert Einstein

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein


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Womanly Truisms


Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.




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Service Fee


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a momen t "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."





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I Hate My Job

For when you have a bad day When you have a "I Hate My Job"; day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested? And then sanitized ".


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A $$ THAN YOURS!


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Pyramid of Jokes


There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again...

...so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

...the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

...then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed.

The guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, I didn't tell the joke yet".

The blonde said "I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke"!!!


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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