Thursday 25th April 2019 - 05:10:06 

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Aussie Logic

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'

The Chinese Businessman called out, 'Move it. Time is money!'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George,' said the Catholic Priest. 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.'

The Aussie Bricklayer said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'


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The Eternal Optimist


Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Arthur and John find themselves hugging a piece of wreckage from the great ship.

The water is freezing, sharks are swimming nearby and of course, the Titanic is long gone.

"Oh well," says Art, "It could have been worse".

"Worse? How could it have been worse"? screams John.

"We could have bought return tickets".











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Harley Davidson


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me..........'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'






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You Try your Best But....


Things are getting worse, I just can't seem to do the right thing no matter how hard I try...I give up...!!

She says she's absolutely sick of me, what with football, rugby, cricket, motor racing and the odd little bet here and there.

Doesn't seem fair though, she knew I was a mad sports fan when she met me.

Nevertheless, last night being our wedding anniversary, I tried to see things from her side and booked a table for 2, for 8pm.

By 9pm, things were 10 times worse!!! She hadn't potted a single f**king red . . . !







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Golf Questions


Kathy: "I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men".

Vickie: "TELL me about it! I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions"!

Kathy: "Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask"?

Vickie: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake"?






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What Causes Arthritis?


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis"?

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath".

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis"?

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".





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Manana, Manyana



Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares"?

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency".






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Rabbi's Sermon


A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech. He sat and waited silently. The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin. The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.

Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi. "Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech".

The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him "I left my false teeth at home".

The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning shortly with the false teeth.

The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks. It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.

The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely, "Rabbi, why do you talk so much..."?

The Rabbi answered: "You brought my wife's teeth".











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Shamus and Murphy Were Skint and Fancied a Pint



Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".








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Amish and Elevator


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."





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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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