You'll need it to blow up your date!
I am a nobody,
nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
"No one ever says 'It's only a game', when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint.
On his room door I put a sign "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18".
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.