Funeral of a Traffic Warden

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, LET ME OUT!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters " Too f@cking late pal, the paperworks already done!"

An Offer Too Good to Refuse?

An ambitious new sales rep for Heineken beer traveled all the way to Rome and managed to get an audience with the Pope himself.

As soon as the two were alone together, the rep leaned over and whispered, "Your Holiness, I have an offer I think might interest you. I'm in a position to give you one million dollars if you'll change the wording in the Lord's Prayer from 'Our Daily Bread' to 'Our Daily Beer.' What do you think?"

"Absolutely not," said the shocked Pope.

"Hey I understand, it's a big decision," sympathized the salesman. "How about five million dollars?"

"I couldn't think of it," sputtered the Pope.

"I know it's a tough one. Tell you what, I have been authorized to go up as high as fifty million dollars, " proposed the salesman, "but that's our final offer. You have 21 days to think it over."

Asking the salesman to leave the room, the Pope called in one of his top Cardinals and whispered, "When does our contract with the bread company expire?"

Secret Service New Rules of Conduct

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday:

1. You can no longer get drunk
2. Procure hookers
3. Frequent GoGos or strip bars.

Addendum: The rules also say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.

Little Johnny and his favorite flower

Teacher: Tell me, what’s your favourite flower?

Little Johnny: I like Chrysanthemums.

Teacher: Ok, spell Chrysanthemums.

Little Johnny: Actually, I sorta like Roses better!

Wife Passed the Driving Test

After eleven attempts a wife finally passed her driving test.

Her husband asks, "Now that you have a licence, what can I get you as a reward?"

The wife cheerfully replies, "Oh, just something cheap to run around in."

So after thinking for a while, the husband goes out to the local Walmart and buys her some trainers.

He saw the iron coming but was too late to duck...

Shipwrecked, one man and a dozen women

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said : "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU..."
To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Is Anyone There

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Crap Joke Central

Where do you go to weigh a whale? .... a whale weigh station.


I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.


I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,
yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....
Now that's clever !


I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don’t know what to make of it.


Q – What happened to the guy who assaulted the laughing psychic?
A – He was arrested for striking a happy medium.


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.


Murphy said to paddy"what the f@#k are you doing talking into envelope",
Paddy said "im sending a voicemail you thick b@$t@rd!"


I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.


What go's peck peck BANG, peck peck Bang...?
A flock of chickens in a mine field!


Last night i tries sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man who was sat on the curb...
he said sod off and get your own bl@@dy chips.


Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.


If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work


Female response when hit with the chatup line...
"You look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere"?
You reply "I don't know... do you watch alot of porn"?


Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.


Has anyone else noticed those clowns in all the Big C supermarkets that try to hide from gay people?


Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!


Two's company...
three’s the result


Why have elephants got big ears?
Cos' Noddy won't pay the ransom!


GBNA...
thats bang out of order!


The places were I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while running in the park...



A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Nicked from My Facebook...

New Bride, Maybe a Blonde

A young man came home from work and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible", she told him. "I was ironing your best suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your pants".

"Forget it", consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit".

"Yes, and it’s lucky you have", said his new bride, dabbing her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole".

Little Johnny Cursing and Swearing

Little Johnny was sweating while digging a hole to plant a tree and cursing as per usual.

Little Johnny's gardening teacher says "Johnny, please stop swearing the Lord is everywhere".

Little Johnny replys "Ok... so I guess He is in that tree over there"?

"Yes" his teacher replys.

"Ok.. no worry's" says Little Johnny " .....is He in my dad's wheel barrow"?

"Yes Johnny" his teacher replys

Little Johnny says "B@LLshit ....!!! My dad AINT GOT one".

A Scottish Colonel and the Condom

A scottish colonel walks into a chemist, goes to the counter and hands over a small wooden box.

The chemist opens it and finds an old condom with a hole in it.

The colonel says 'how much to repair it'?

The chemist says '70p I guess'.

The colonel says 'how much for a new one'.

The chemist replies '£1'.

Tthe scotsman walks back outside and a few seconds later there is a loud cheer followed by a louder cheer. The colonel walks back inside and says 'the battalion has decided, we'll take a new one'.

Mother and Baby Pigeon

The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, 'I can't make it, I'll get too tired.'

His mother replied, 'Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

The baby started to cry.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother sympathetically.

'I don't want to end up being pigeon towed.'