Top 20 Jokes
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had got a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend!
Apparently they had bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note.
I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe,
I'd have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Courtesy: Zackie Chan (Crap Joke Central - Facebook)
A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.
Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to 40 pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra 50 pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
There was this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture.
After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great - if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant.
If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead."
Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish".
This, he thinks to himself will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
A GP, a pathologist and a surgeon go duck hunting. They are reminded that it's illegal to shoot anything but ducks.
As the first bird flies overhead, the GP takes aim, saying—"Well, it looks like a duck, and flies like a duck, but I'd like a second opinion" … and he lowers his gun.
A second bird passes overhead, and the pathologist takes aim. "Hm, it has typical duck markings … and it sounds like a duck … but I'm not certain" … and he lowers his gun without firing.
Another duck appears. The surgeon raises his gun quickly. Bang! Bang Bang! his gun rings out. "Hey, go see if that was a duck, will ya?"
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works...
Actual unethical experiment story here, complete with results:
My dad was a skydiver back in the sixties. There was a guy in his club that was a nut. He had the idea that he could test the axiom that "cats always land on their feet" from free fall altitude, where he would fall with them and observe their self-righting behavior. He had no interest in aiding their descent, just wanted to see how they behaved in free fall. In his plan, landing was the cats' problem, not his. Scientific impartiality, or some such thing.
He took four stray cats up in a pillowcase for the jump. After exiting the plane, he turned the pillowcase inside out, releasing the cats. To his great surprise, all four cats attached themselves to his body immediately. With their claws. Given that cats have 18 claws each, he was punctured at least 72 times. More, probably, because he struggled vainly to remove the cats as he fell, but they were having none of it, and would reattach with even more conviction with every effort he made to pull them off.
Presently, he was out of altitude, and had to turn his attention to opening the chute. Let's pause to do some math. A chute opening can generate as much as 3 Gs of force. The average cat weighs 8 lbs at one G. At three Gs, this becomes 24 lbs per cat. So when the chute opened, for a moment this guy had 72 razor sharp claws in his skin, each one being pulled down with a force of about one and a third pounds. That's 96 pounds of cat. He was sliced to ribbons, basically.
All four cats hung on through the chute opening, although the skydiver's shredded flesh allowed each one to slip several inches. Bleeding and in misery, the skydiver managed to make a safe, if rather rough, landing in a farm field.
As soon as he hit the earth, all four cats ran off across the field, leaving him to lie there bleeding from his hundred or so wounds. He was the only member of the skydiving club that was displeased with the results of his experiment.
call to pay my bills? And, if they do, why don't you let them?
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the
195 lbs. I've gained.
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks,
"Who does something like that?"
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just
give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be
his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire
during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is
inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If
you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not
all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going
to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas
a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is
upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay with JC Penny's older women's line of
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
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"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated/
"What does it look like" she finally asked?
The policewoman replied, "it's square and it has your picture on it".
The driver finally found a square mirror in here purse, looked at it and handed it over to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde police woman looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OKm you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop..."
Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He Was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs Nateby, my secretary?”
“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!”
“You'd swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs Nateby anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you can fire her!".
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a no bell prize.
They just found a sword swallower dead... the police suspect it's an inside job.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!??
Race car noises!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT??!!
What do you call a Hispanic victim of grand theft auto?
Ponderism for today:
If I can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, I'll have to find a happy medium.
a lorry carrying a consignment of vicks crashed on the M1 junction 19 today. Police say there will be no congestion for 8 hours.
Overheard in the local pub
I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...
He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.
The winners of the palindrome race have been announced. Huge congratulations to driver and co-driver, brothers Bob and Otto Hannah, in their Civic racecar.
How a Mexican describes that his wife wet herself.
I keep thinking of taking a course on procrastination but I never seem to get round to it.
Here's one for Miriam W
The stallion and the mare were going to get married, but when the time came for the stallion to appear at the church, he got cold feet and failed to show up.
The mare hoofed indignantly, "The beast! He left me at the halter...
...and is probably out there with some cheap filly, horsing around.
But if he is that fickle, I'm better off not to be saddled with him for life.
I can do without the bridle bouquet!
The runaway groom was later found in a stable condition...dear me, we need to rein in this line of jokes or we'll risk making foals of ourselves !
Oi, don't get on your high horse and nag me ! grin emoticon
And welcome to the annual plastic surgeons convention.... Nice to see a lot of new faces this year.
Just read a story in the paper about a local lady taken to hospital today after having too much phone sex. Surgeons apparently found an iPhone, one Nokia, two Samsungs, a Motorola and three different men's Siemens inside her!
I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."
What really naff's me off, is when I see/hear people using big words and they can't even spell or pronounce them properly.
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Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".
- I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
- The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
- Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
- I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm very wise.
- My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
- The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.
- I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
- When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
- Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
- Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
- Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
- At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I was wanting!
"It looks like we have a homicide here.”
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet!”
The granddaughter asked her Grandma 'What was the biggest historical event that happened during your lifetime?'
Grandma said 'It must have been the Moonwalk'.
Granddaughter looked disappointed and said, 'Why was that dance was so important to you?'
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."
"But before we started eating?"
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!!
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower : How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.
Tower: Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good" said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent" says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."