Safety at the Workplace

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1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.


2. Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. 'Does anyone know,' I asked a few guys, 'what the speed limit is in our parking lot?'

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. 'That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?'

3. Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief - Franz Kafka


4. What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? - A whine cellar


5. Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.

Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.


6. A police 'safety officer' was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.

'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.

A young girls hand shot into the air. 'Because you might leave fingerprints,' she answered.


7. A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.

The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator's finger.

For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.

Comatose Grandma Sitter

A riddle

Always check

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With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go"! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides".

"Why" asked the pilot?

"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots".

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor"?!

How to save the airlines by Tiger Woods

The New Dress

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A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"

The Farmers Son in College

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The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.

Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

iPhone Protection

How to subtly mention your iPhone when picking up a girl in the bar

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Top iphone pick up lines:

Im no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldnt let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? Ill buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Lets go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Hi there angel. Did it hurt when you fell from heav- oh, sorry, Im getting a call on my new iphone. Oh, it was Saint Peter. He said have a great time on your trip to Earth, and dont worry about being good- they wont keep score up there while you are on leave.

I AM happy to see you but thats just an ipod in my pocket.

Hi there. Wanna use your fingers to enlarge my pixel size?

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, Ill keep my new ipod hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven- on my new iphone- because they lost one of their angels.

I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? Ill store it in my new iphone.

Excuse me- Im new in town. Could you give me directions to your place? Let me just open up Google maps in my iphone.

How much does my new iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I enter in your phone number?

You know, inheriting 50 million dollars doesnt mean much when you have a weak heart, even if you have a four houses, two islands and a brand new iphone like this one.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasnt my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.

Why the iPhone is tougher than Chuck Norris

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When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks its closet for the iphone. Too bad he didnt look under the bed.


The iphone can taser your enemies so hard that it can actually alter their DNA. Decades from now, their descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell What the hell was that?


If you can see the iphone, it can see you. If you cant see the iphone, you may be only seconds away from instant death.


When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, he still is very, very, very polite to his iphone.


The iphone has already been to Mars; thats why there are no signs of life there.


It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. Thats true, if you want to call the iphone a giant meteor.


The iphone does not follow fashion trends, they follow it. But then it turns around and tasers them. NOBODY follows the iphone.


If you ask the iphone what time it is, it always says, Two seconds til. After you ask, Two seconds til what? it tasers you in the face.


Insurance companies can no longer afford to offer insurance protection against Acts of iphone.


The iphone can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Before you have decided to play.

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. These are some of the iphones subscription features.


There are no steroids in baseball. Just players that have touched an iphone.


When someone with an iphone is crossing the street, the cars have to look both ways.


The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that the iphone didnt kill you in your sleep.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep the iphone out. But NOTHING can keep the iphone out.If the iphone had been around, you wouldnt have heard of David or Goliath because it would have tasered both of their asses.


The iphone does not sleep. It waits.


What was going through the minds of all of the iphones victims before they died? An iphone.


The iphone uses a language that incorporates taser shots and sudden temperature changes. So the next time the iphone is totally kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, it may be just trying to tell you it likes your hat.


In a recent survey it was discovered that 56% of women whose romantic partners had an iphone reported asking their lovers to bring their iphone with them to bed. And then asking them to leave.

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iPhone Jokes

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Allow others to benefit from your iPhone

A man on the street asks you if you have the time.

YOU: Sure.

Then you whip out your iPhone, hold it up high, waving it around so everyone can see its impressive clock function.

YOU: Anyone else need to know the time’!!! Because I HAVE AN iPHONE!!!



2 Use your iPhone to save a life

You are on a date in a restaurant. A man is having a heart attack!

YOU: Coming through! I’ll take care of it! I’m an iPhone owner!

Then you simultaneously call emergency services while accessing Wikipedia instructions on how to perform CPR. To keep the man’s wife from panicking, you calm her down by showing her amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats.

DOCTOR: This iPhone owner is a hero! Without his amazing access to information and amusing videos of cats wearing silly hats, we’d have a dead man and a nervous wife. Instead, this couple will live happily ever after. Thank you iPhone Owner!

YOU: Oh, I was just doing what any super cool iPhone owner would do.



3 Use your iPhone as it was meant to be used... as fashion

Why wear your iPhone on your waist when you can attach it to a headband and wear it on your forehead?



4 Share your iPhone's information

At the bar, a guy asks you if the local sports team won today.

YOU: Hold on, I’ll check that out for you on my brand new amazing iPhone... Sorry, for the delay, I just got my amazing iPhone and I’m still trying to learn all of the amazing iPhone iFeatures... where is News... Music... Videos... Email... Phone... Cr’me Brulee recipes... Time Machine... darn this amazing iPhone!



5 Use your iPhone to fight crime

WOMAN: A man is holding up the Convenience Store owner with a gun!

YOU: No worries ma'am, I am an iPhone owner. I'll simply call 9-1-1... now I'll walk into the store... and take the perpetrator's photo. And... email it to the police.

ROBBER: Stick 'em up or I'll blow you away!

YOU: I own an iPhone.

ROBBER: Really? Wow!

YOU: I know. iPhone says you are suffering from feelings of inadequacy caused by your father's constant belittling of you as a child.

ROBBER: iPhone is right!

YOU: iPhone says there is a support group for your issue approximately 2.9 miles southwest of here.

ROBBER (wiping away tears): Thank you, iPhone owner.

YOU: Of course.

ROBBER: Now I'm going to shoot you and take your iPhone!

YOU: I'm sorry, but I'm going to zap you with 50,000 volts.

ROBBER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!

YOU: The iPhone has a hidden stun-gun feature.

CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER: Thank you, my friend!

YOU: It's my privilege to serve the community. While waiting for the police to arrive, would you like to listen to some U2?

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There is always a solution

There were two canaries that lived in a cage

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Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female.

After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage! "

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

Again, she replied, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk? "

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, 'Chirpies' and I hear it is untweetable."

A guaranteed quick get rich scheme

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Caution: This is not for the clumsy.....

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

A new kind of car

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison."

A Professon lectures on the evils of marijuana

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A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.

"Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"


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The two old maid virgin sisters

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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Computer Terminology

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486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Suicide bomb on the beach

Quotes from the management

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"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
-Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp.

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
-Lykes Lines Shipping

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
-Plant Manager, Delco Corporation

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3MCorp.

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
-Shipping executive, FTD Florists

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
-CIO of Dell Computers

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
-Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "Pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
-Taco Bell Corporation



From: Lynne