Top 20 Jokes

20 Rules of Life Updated

I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
We will continue to have meetings until we figure out why nothing is being accomplished.

Even more one-liners

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My Girlfriend had a Near-Death experience today......Stupid woman thought she could Hoover whilst football was on the tele

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life....Like my name ,address and telephone number

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake ............ some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

After a visit to a massage parlour

...a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his doctor.

"I'm afraid this is serious", the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear"?

"Yes", the man replies shakily.

"Well" said the doctor "it looks like you've got a brothel sprout".

After the baby was born

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son".

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a f@nny - not a flaming photo copier"!!!

Little Johnny Thinking Brick

The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their mind when they saw the brick.

The first kid said, "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker".

Another said, "I think about our new house".

Then the teacher thought, "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?" So she asked, "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick"?

Johnny said, "Naked chicks"!

The teacher was horrified, "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick"!

Johnny said, "But that's what I always think about"!

An Australian soldier’s wife confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated.

Every one of them missed the bitch

Would you have passed this student?

Exam' questions:

In which battle did Napoleon die?: # his last battle.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?: # at the bottom of the page.
River Ravi flows in which state?: # liquid.
What is the main reason for divorce?: # marriage.
What is the main reason for failure?: # exams.
What can you never eat for breakfast?: # Lunch & dinner.
What looks like half an apple?: #The other half.
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?: #It will simply become wet.
How can a man go eight days without sleeping?: #No problem, he sleeps at night.
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?: #You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?: #Very large hands.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?: #No time at all, the wall is already built.
How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?: #Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Solved - A loving present for the girlfriend

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that the present was for his girlfriend's seventeenth birthday and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 17 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 17-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife".

The young man bought a dozen roses.

Proof that men just don't listen

She said: Pay attention

He said: Put it with the rest of the unpaid bills.

Latest advice from my stockbroker

I asked my stockbroker what I should be buying.

He said, "If Barack Obama. remains in office much longer then canned goods a generator, water and ammunition are a good buy".

A Touching Love Story

A boy loved a girl but was far too shy to tell her and never proposed her.

One night he could not sleep because he was thinking of her so he decided to tell her at 1 o'clock in the early morning.

His typed an SMS saying "I Love You" and sent it.

To his surprise he got a reply to his message within a few seconds!

He decided to sleep, maybe dream and save the surprise for next day.

In the morning he woke with anticipation and read the message...

...he was overcome and shocked because of what was written:
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Message sending failed due to insufficient balance! Please recharge your account.

Now I know where chickpeas come from

A young lawyer attended a seminar on motivation and the benefit of several revenue streams. Inspired by the talk the young lawyer decided to try his hand at part-time poultry farming to earn some extra income. To start the poultry farm he bought his first lot of one hundred chickens.

A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

Another month went by and the young lawyer returned again for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died.

The chicken salesman was very alarmed at the new farmer's string of bad luck; besides if word got around town, others might think the quality of his chickens was poor and that would be disastrous for business. So he asked the part-time farmer, "So do you think you are having a string of bad luck or just what seems to be your problem"?

"I think I now have a sense of where I'm going wrong", said the young lawyer and now nearly a full-time farmer. "I think I might be planting my chickens just a little bit too deep".

A new phenomenom called EMOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_)kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your email.

Contributor: Jem

A doctor in Texas

A small town Texas Doctor was famous in the area for always catching the biggest fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales...

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz

Salesman meets his wife in the hotel lobby

A tired salesman pulls into a hotel around midnight.

Exhausted after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the salesman notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night".

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this" he yells at the clerk? "I've only been here for one night"!

"Yes", says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks"!

Wonderful Flu

Jed ran into Mickey yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. Jed asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks," replied Mickey. "You know, it was a wonderful experience".

"Wonderful" asked Jed? "How can the flu be wonderful"?

"Well", said Mickey, "I learned that Suzanne really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them. 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her telling them".

Shopping for a new sofa

Pete and I were looking at a new sofa in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "we really like it but we cannot afford to buy it.

The saleman said, "No problem, you just make a small down payment then you don't need to make another payment for six months".

What a flippin cheek! Who told then about us?

The Rabbi's Widow

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came.

She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities).

Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex."

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest.

Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Going Downtown

A man and his girlfriend were snogging and they were getting quite hot. Suddenly he asks her to "go downtown".

With a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his privates, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing"?

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".

Nude pictures

The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel", says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way", the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state", continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time", he responds and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return", demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then" asks the husband?

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged", she finally responds.