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Crap Joke Central - 002

 

Ponderism for today:
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a no bell prize.



Latest News:
They just found a sword swallower dead... the police suspect it's an inside job.



WHAT DO WE WANT!!??
Race car noises!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT??!!
NNNNYYYOOOOOOOOOWWWW!



What do you call a Hispanic victim of grand theft auto?
Carlos



Ponderism for today:
If I can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, I'll have to find a happy medium.



Police Report:
a lorry carrying a consignment of vicks crashed on the M1 junction 19 today. Police say there will be no congestion for 8 hours.



Overheard in the local pub
I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...
He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.


The Winner:
The winners of the palindrome race have been announced. Huge congratulations to driver and co-driver, brothers Bob and Otto Hannah, in their Civic racecar.


Cheapest.
How a Mexican describes that his wife wet herself.



I keep thinking of taking a course on procrastination but I never seem to get round to it.



Here's one for Miriam W
The stallion and the mare were going to get married, but when the time came for the stallion to appear at the church, he got cold feet and failed to show up.
The mare hoofed indignantly, "The beast! He left me at the halter...
...and is probably out there with some cheap filly, horsing around.
But if he is that fickle, I'm better off not to be saddled with him for life.
I can do without the bridle bouquet!

The runaway groom was later found in a stable condition...dear me, we need to rein in this line of jokes or we'll risk making foals of ourselves !

Oi, don't get on your high horse and nag me ! grin emoticon



And welcome to the annual plastic surgeons convention.... Nice to see a lot of new faces this year.



Just read a story in the paper about a local lady taken to hospital today after having too much phone sex. Surgeons apparently found an iPhone, one Nokia, two Samsungs, a Motorola and three different men's Siemens inside her!



I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."



What really naff's me off, is when I see/hear people using big words and they can't even spell or pronounce them properly.
Pretentshush git's.




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Quotes for Today:

There are only 2 kinds of software, Beta and obsolete.
 


There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
 


There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
 


¯\_(ツ)_/¯     ¯\_(ツ)_/¯




This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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