Thursday 19th July 2018 - 20:32:20 

Facebook - Crap Joke Central - Update 005

 

Nicked from FaceBook Crap Joke Central - New members always welcome



Overheard in a restaurant...
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a twig in my soup"!
"My apologies, "said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager".




Overheard at Tesco.
I always get in the shortest checkout line that way you stand a better chance to get to the cashier before the prices go up.




I took a poll yesterday! And 100% of people were annoyed that theyre tent had fallen down.




The husband plopped down on the couch to watch the footy on the tele' and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him.
He finished that beer and said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."




Whiteboards are remarkable!




Overheard at the polling station.
Earl Grey was away on business during the election. So he cast an absent-tea ballot.




I just had a WKD with ice in it.
It was Wicked.




A delivery man knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "you've got the wrong house then mate! "




A grasshopper goes into a bar, hops up on the counter and says to the bartender, "give me a drink."
The bartender says, "hey, there's a cocktail named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "you mean there's a drink called Bob?"




Where do Abba eat their dinner?
They go Fer Nando's.




Everyone's blaming me for the animal noises on the video conference at work. Seems I've been made into a Skypegoat




After years of research scientists have identified the biggest cause of dry skin...
Towels.




As Google's new driver-less car has no steering wheel or pedals, what does it use to get you to your destination?
Search engine.

Quotes for Today:

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
George Burns  


Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
 


Software is like SEX it’s better when it’s FREE
Linus Torvald 

This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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