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How Many Of These Put A Smile On Your Face?

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'


I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'


I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'.


A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die'.

Quotes for Today:

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
 


Just remember boys and girls, these are the good ole' days.
 


Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too can become great.
Mark Twain 


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This can save your bacon

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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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