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Irish Jokes.....oh Dear!

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"..

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contra_ctions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet..

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

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An answer I can understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

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Contributor: Howard

Quotes for Today:

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
 


Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
 


Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!
Conan O'Brien 

This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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