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Safe Sex

Q. Do you know how the [insert politically incorrect race here] practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!


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The Christmas Present from the Husband Who Bought his Wife a Mood Ring




My husband bought me a mood ring for Christmas.


When I'm in a good mood it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.


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Grandpa and his Grand-daughter

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.





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The Newlyweds

Just a few days after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds switch off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning amorously towards his new bride, he tenderly informs her that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the full deal.

She, still being very naive, had not a clue what a "hand job" was. So, she climbs out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call mom.

"Mom," she says, "my new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means?"

"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing, and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."

"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies.

So she hangs up the phone, goes back to the bedroom, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her husband, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts pounding the head with the other.




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The Gambler and the Taxi-driver

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

.


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The Song

Once in medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon. He pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it.
The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered the women swooned the children waved multicolored banners ... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10-pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered the women swooned, the children waved multicolored banners and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority. the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered the women swooned ... the children waved multicolored banners ...

... and the band played, "God Save the Queen."




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Stress Management

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.


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The Hinge and the Teapot

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."


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The Elephant and the Turtle

An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached.

The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute and then gave it a swift kick. The turtle flew through the air and landed several hundred feet away.

A zebra standing close by asked, "Why did you kick that turtle?"

"Well," the elephant replied, "That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago. That was payback."

"How do you know it was the same turtle?"

The elephant looked at the zebra a minute and said,

"I have turtle recall."


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Cell Mates

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

"Don't worry", the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white-collar crime too".

"Well, that's a relief" sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading".

"Oh, nothing fancy like that for me" qualified the convict. "I just killed a couple of Priests".



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This can save your bacon
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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