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Fast Forward to 2006

Fast forward to 2006- it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

What's up he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game" explains Ronaldinho. "We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*ite and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldo looks at them and says:"OK, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the team goes for a few jars. After a few beers they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads 'Brazil 1 Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)'. He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints and the game is forgotten until someone remembers: "It must be full-time now - let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on: 'Result: Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) Scotland 1 (Angus McShite 89 minutes).' They can't beleive it - he has singlehandedly drawn against Scotland!

They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. But they find him in the changing room, still in his gear, head in hands. Ronaldo can't look his team-mates in the eye. "I've let you down, I've let you down." he sobs. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland all by yourself." says Roberto Carlos. "And they only scored at the very, very end!"

No, no, I really have let you all down," insist Ronaldo. "I got sent off after 12 minutes!"


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The Australian, Irishman and the Scouser


An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out :

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oii whack, would you be Jesus"? Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle"! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle"!!!

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability"!


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The Teacher's Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.



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The Sheep Farmer

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."



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New Name for a Beer

A company developed a new beer and ran a competition for a new name.

One person sent in a suggestion that it be called: "Making Love in a Row Boat."

The company executive contacted the man and said, "We can't use the name because it is too long. But we would like very much to know why you suggested that name."

The man said, "Well, making love in a row boat is fucking near water. That is exactly what your beer is."



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Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor after feeling unwell for some time, after a series of the tests the doctor tells him it's very bad news, that he has an incurable disease called yellow 24.

He tells the man that he could be struck down at anytime, that the first symptoms would be the man would turn yellow and then within 24 hours he would be dead. The man is obviously devastated, but the doctor can do nothing and advises the man he makes a will and makes his peace with the world.

The man returns home and tells his wife, who is shocked to hear the news and breaks down crying.

The man consoles her by saying that he had always tried to be a good husband, but if there was anything he had done that might cause her regret, then he would like to make it up to her.

She tells him that indeed he had been a good husband, but one thing that had always upset her was that he had always made fun of her one interest in life, going to the bingo.

The man says that he was sorry for making fun of her and that he would accompany her to the bingo that night to show how much he cared for her.

So there they are together at the bingo, the man has his bingo card in front of him and as the callers shouts out the numbers he starts marking them off, first he gets all four corners, he wins £25. then he gets a line of numbers, he wins £50. then he gets a full house, he wins £500. then his card comes up on the national draw and he wins £100,000!

The man goes up to the caller to collect his prize money and the caller says to him
"I have never seen anything like this before, it's incredible, you must be the luckiest man alive"

"you've got to be kidding" the man says "I've got yellow 24"

"unf##king believable!" says the caller "you've won the raffle too!"


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You Finish?

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed
to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"


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Quotations

Quotes:

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." . . .Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." . . . Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." . . . Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Ferrari 360." . . . Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." . . . Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." . . . George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." . . . Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." . . . Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." . . . Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." . . . Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." . . . Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." . . . Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" . . . Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." . . . . Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." . . . Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." . . . Robin Williams


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A Night With The Girls

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.


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A Duck Hunter’s Early Start

One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early." He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up. He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about 30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."


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This can save your bacon
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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