Saturday 20th October 2018 - 12:02:14 

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The Stay of Execution

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have
you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had
been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and
went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over
naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically,
"For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"



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Tommy Cooper Specials


  1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
    wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
    other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

  3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  4. A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

  5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer
    please, and one for the road."

  7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
    funny to you?"

  8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    "That sounds l ike Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's Not Unusual."

  9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
    believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

  10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.

  11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

  12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
    "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
    vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
    Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's
    cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

  13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five
    people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or
    maybe my older brother Calvin, or my younger brother, Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty
    sure it's Calvin.

  14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  15. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him fifty bucks that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
    high."

  16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

  17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

  18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but, when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

  20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"






.


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The Facts of Life

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time she understood the facts of life. "Honey," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."

"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."


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World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!




>>--------------------------------------------------------------------------


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?!


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A Few Answers to Commonly asked Pregnancy Questions by Both Men and Women.

First, the questions from women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



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The Wife Returned from the Doctor

My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how he find out?


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The Lion and the Gorilla

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and screws the lion in the ass.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pretends to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that nailed you in the ass?"

The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?"



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The Interview with the Candidate with Little Experience


Manager:
"For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary".

Applicant:
"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing".


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Two Elderly Irish Drinking Buddies...

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future.

One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave."

The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."

The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?"


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They Met in Hell...

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day.

"My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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