Thursday 5th December 2019 - 22:02:27 

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Orchestra Drummer


A musical director was having a lot of hassle with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer".

A stage whisper was heard by the musicians: "And if he can't even handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor".







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Tragedy of the Dead Cat


Little Johnny went to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console little Johnny saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now".

Little Johnny replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat"?






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Tipping the Waitress

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".

The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say"?

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man".

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough".

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor".

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too".

"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor".





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Do You Realize that the Only Time in Our Lives when We Like to Get Old is when We're Kids?


If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 4 and a half ....You're four going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life: you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!

Then you turn 30.
What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40... stay over there.

You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50. Then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."





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A Grandmother's Letter to her Grandson


Dear Grandson,

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day.

He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after'"?





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The New Bull Was Not Performing


A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine"!

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull"?

"Just gave him some pills", replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills" asked Banker Bill?

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint".





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First Day At School


Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Little Johnny and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Little Johnny, "Well, did you find it"?

Little Johnny is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards".





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Musical Monks

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was forthem to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......



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Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure'?

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston'.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality'.

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there'?

'Well', she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait'.

'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best'.

'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck'.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name'.

'Tonto', the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'.











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It is Not Polite


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you'?

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied.

'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh'?

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce'?

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly'!

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.


'Well', says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it'.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32'.

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out'?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds'.

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out'?

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce'.

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why'?




'Because you got an F in sex'.





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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