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Tax Audit - Waste Not Want Not
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles'.
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick'.
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Things Only a Mom Can Teach
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home".
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like".
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Congratulations To All The Kids Who Were Born In The 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's , 60's & 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitch hiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!
We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,
We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga (AUSSIE) in 1956.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade" This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age
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Fit for the Job
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger"!
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Real Estate Salesman's Honesty
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both".
"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north".
"What are the advantages" inquired the prospective buyer?
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing".
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The Confession After the Honeymoon
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other'.
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along'.
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started swimming lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer'?
'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey '!
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Like Father Like...
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days"?
"I'm a fireman", his old friend replies.
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night".
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman"?
"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper".
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The American Tourist and the Englishman on a Train
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother".
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The Naked Man and the Little Old Lady
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window"!
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he" she asked?
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up"?
"The dresser" screamed the old lady! "Try standing on the dresser"!
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The Butcher Dance - Somebody Must Like this One.
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film.
He winds up in Australia,in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
"You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
"Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. Themerciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling,they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man,figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself.
This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,...
"You butch yer right arm in.
You butch yer right arm out.
You butch yer right arm in and
you shake it all about"
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