Monday 19th November 2018 - 16:07:18 

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Bad Timing

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe.

Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job".

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

"Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter".

"That's excellent! Congratulations" replied Joe and off they went their separate ways... two weeks or so pass and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street.

"Hey, Frank, how's it going" asks Joe?

"T-T-T-T-Terrible," says Frank. "I'm n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and I l-l-l-ost my job!".

"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank"?

"W-w-w-well, the other night I was having dinner at the b-b-boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "L-l-l-l-ook, Honey! T-t-t-t-hat's w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o to me," but by the time I f-f-f-finished w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls..."


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The Dinner Party


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there"!





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Tax Audit - Waste Not Want Not


At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles'.

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick'.





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Things Only a Mom Can Teach


1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home".

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like".







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Congratulations To All The Kids Who Were Born In The 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's , 60's & 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitch hiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!

We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga (AUSSIE) in 1956.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade" This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age







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Fit for the Job


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger"!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.





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Real Estate Salesman's Honesty



"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both".

"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north".

"What are the advantages" inquired the prospective buyer?

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing".





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The Confession After the Honeymoon


A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other'.

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along'.

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started swimming lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer'?

'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey '!






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Like Father Like...


A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days"?

"I'm a fireman", his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night".

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman"?

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper".









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The American Tourist and the Englishman on a Train


On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother".





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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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