Friday 19th July 2019 - 20:22:18 

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A Love Story..

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."


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8 Months Pregnant


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!






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London Times Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:


Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spendmore than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,are in charge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-oldboy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little on her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion,his daughter, Responsibility,his son, Reason


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.





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Little Johnny and Fascinate in a Sentence


A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."






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Bad Timing

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe.

Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job".

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

"Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter".

"That's excellent! Congratulations" replied Joe and off they went their separate ways... two weeks or so pass and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street.

"Hey, Frank, how's it going" asks Joe?

"T-T-T-T-Terrible," says Frank. "I'm n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and I l-l-l-ost my job!".

"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank"?

"W-w-w-well, the other night I was having dinner at the b-b-boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "L-l-l-l-ook, Honey! T-t-t-t-hat's w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o to me," but by the time I f-f-f-finished w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls..."


.




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The Dinner Party


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there"!





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Tax Audit - Waste Not Want Not


At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles'.

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick'.





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Things Only a Mom Can Teach


1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home".

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like".







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Congratulations To All The Kids Who Were Born In The 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's , 60's & 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitch hiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!

We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga (AUSSIE) in 1956.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade" This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age







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Fit for the Job


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger"!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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