Saturday 24th August 2019 - 21:10:09 

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Marvellous Answer


A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.... .

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He said:

"Try to do it when the engine is running".






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Under The Influence


Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just
about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head."

"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"






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Inside Smells


A Marine and a Army soldier were at a barber shop getting a haircut and shave. When the barbers were done they got the after shave to slap on their face and neck.

The Marine yelled "don't put that crap on me cause my wife will think I have been in a whorehouse"!

The soldier said, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife does not know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like"






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Am I Hurting You?

The wife had had a hard day with the kids, her husband came home in a foul mood, and not much was said at all during a dinner which no one seemed to like. After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long, leisurely bath and crawled into bed, only to have an unwashed, slightly drunken husband come into the bedroom, rip off his clothes, climb into bed and plops on top of her.

"Get off of me, will ya!?"

"What's the matter, am I hurting you?"

"No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. How in the hell did you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT!"






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Safari and the Lion


John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away,and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have messed my pants."

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"






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Ufo Runs Short of Fuel and Lands...


A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."






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All Done


An 80-year-old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her.

The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business"!

"Sure would like to get some action tonight", said the old man

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished".

"What did you say"? asked the old man.

"You heard me - you're all finished".

"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you"?




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Miscellaneous - A Walking Economy


"Look at me!" moaned Jack to his friend Phil as they walked down the street, "I'm a walking economy"!

"How so "?, asked Phil

"Well, it's like this" replied Jack, "my hairline is receding, my stomach is suffering from the effects of inflation and the two things together are causing me a deep depression".







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What Is A Fox Pass?




In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain.

With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire.

He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass"?

"Sir", replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband "Is your prick still throbbing dear"? and you said "Christ"! and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas".






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Very Interesting Stuff?



In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.



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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.




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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.



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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.




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Coca-Cola was originally green.




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It is impossible to lick your elbow.



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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska



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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)


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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%



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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400


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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000



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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.



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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.



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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.


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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:



Spades - King David



Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander, the Great


Diamonds - Julius Caesar


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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321



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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.



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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.



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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?



A. Their birthplace



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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?




A. Obsession




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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?




A. One thousand




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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?



A. All were invented by women.


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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?



A. Father's Day


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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.


When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'



It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'



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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!


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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )




12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.






13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.



14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.



~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~


NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.



Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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